Marry Fuck Kill Your Kitchen Utensils: Spoon, Fork & Knife

Every week on Red Line Radio I host a segment called Carls Grab Bag where we discuss life outside of Chicago sports. It started as a way to end the show because the 4 of us are usually all over the place. So the grabbag helps wind us down on a relatable tone, sending everyone off in a good mood save for when WSD wants to argue about giardiniera ettiquette. Topics generally cover life in world full of clueless people.

Lately, we’ve moved the grabbag up to start the show because it makes for an easy introduction on Mondays and this is where you stop caring about the background of the grabbag. Shut the fuck up Carl we get it. 

Moving on.

This week I opened the grabbag with a Marry Fuck Kill that I couldn’t wrap my head around individually: Fork, Knife and Spoon. So I served it to the boys and asked them to chop it up on the pod and naturally I got 3 completely different answers for completely different reasons. Eddie doesn’t need a knife. WSD thinks spoons are for pussies while Chief thinks forks are for Poors.

Personally I don’t like to be wrong about things so I withheld judgment until I could hear from Twitter and reason through the feedback

We’ll get to the results but first a word on the participants.

Fork: The general consensus is that fork = pasta and neither spoon nor knife can clear that hurdle. It’s by far the most user friendly of the 3 but also has the least amount of uses per se.

Knife: Your standard serrated kitchen knife. Butter knives count too, but that’s more of a spreader. So generally think of it as a regulation sized knife that can easily cut steak and still manage a peanut butter spread, although it’s better suited for that steak.

A lot of people would argue that your position on knife says a lot about your diet.

Spoon: It’s your run of the mill tablespoon. Don’t complicate things although you’d be stupid not to handicap this for meal-prep as well. On that front, spoons are the obvious #1 with knives a distant 2 and fork clearly on the bench.

Spoon is best defended by cereal and ice cream enthusiasts, two food groups that boast extreme loyalty from their respective bases.

The results:

I’m slightly alarmed that our Marry category netted 300 less votes than Fuck and Kill but overall we can rule this statistically valid.

Some observations:

+ 4 out of 5 respondents cannot kill Fork, suggesting a preference towards take out

+ Nearly 1 in 2 respondents will kill Knife

+ Of the group that would kill Knife, 100% do not own/operate a grill

+ 69% of respondents would either Marry or Fuck spoon with 69% of those respondents preferring to keep it casual (Fuck).

+ Nice.

+ Knife seems to be the Hot & Crazy one in the group. It’s the least likely to be married and most likely to be killed, but still gets fucked by 1 out of 3 respondents. I feel like that’s a recurring theme across humanity. Guy or girl, most of us have been in a situation where we’ve voluntarily slept with someone that we’d rather kill than marry. Hello, Knife.

+ 3 out of every 4 respondents that want Fork in their life want it on serious terms (Marry). This represents the largest classification discrepancy amongst the participating utensils indicating that the pro-Fork crowd maintains the most dedicated subset of respondents.

I knew Fork was going to get a lot of tick, but 80% going home with Fork is way more than I expected. Same goes for killing Knife. I can’t imagine a world without diced onion and sliced tomato but I digress. This blog isn’t about my hot dogs.

It’s about opening up a public conversation about appropriately valuing your kitchen utensils. So with that I’ll turn it over to some of the best arguments you weirdos made on Twitter:

Oral Arguments

Brady kicks things off with the Vince Lombardi Power Sweep of arguments for Spoon

Fine. Hands off spoon but what about cutting things with a fork?

Nick agrees

But don’t forget about Pasta and Chinese, Toni stresses

You might as well be a child to attack them with a spoon, Pete says

Ben prefers to be practical though

Toni responds, passively insulting Ben’s no-nonsense approach to eating Macaroni With Chunks Of Beef

Meanwhile, Andrew would like to set the record straight on behalf of all Hillbillies

While Cody wants to go back to simpler, more Medieval Times

Not to be out done, Kevin wants to get personal while also going back to the cereal well

Liam says Think Big Picture, guys

While Peter says (in 280 characters) that he’s not here for clicks, just results

Surprisingly, it appears Alec here doesn’t know how to use a knife

Big Ev does:

Big Ev Continued:

Eric says it’s a battle of how Dumb He Looks, which is kind of a sad outlook

But not as sad as lobbying for chopsticks

Like seriously lobyying for them

You studied abroad like 3 years ago Bob get over it already.