New York City May Fine Idiots For Texting While Crossing The Street

Gothamist- A bill sponsored by Brooklyn Assemblyman Felix Ortiz prohibits pedestrians from crossing the road at any point “while using any portable electronic device.” The fine for doing so would be from $25 to $50 for a first offense, up to $100 for a second offense, and $250 for a third offense within 18 months. Exceptions include texting the police, fire department, hospital, or “a physician’s office or health clinic.”

The text of the law states that “using” means “viewing,” so presumably people would still be able to talk on the phone while they crossed the street.

—————————–

Alright, it’s not a bad start. But the real problem here isn’t that people are crossing the street with their noses buried in their phones; it’s that people are walking everywhere with their noses buried in their phones. On a given day, I find myself bodychecking anywhere from 2-5 petite women off the curb because they’re walking in my path and don’t see me coming. Normally, the social contract dictates that both parties should veer a step off that shared path to avoid each other. But with the proliferation of phone-walking, I found myself veering 2x my standard deviation from the shared path, to allow these fucking dicktwats to remain locked on their track without a care in the world. At some point, I grew tired of it and now I just hit people. The best part is, I know how to hit people (h/t lax!). Every single person walking my way on their phone is a tiny midfielder awaiting that over-the-shoulder buddy pass from their goalie. Meanwhile, I’m tensing my core and getting low so I can EXPLODE into their numbers without leaving my feet. There is NOTHING more satisfying than popping the fucking shit out of a small teenager. Their phone clatters across the sidewalk and it’s extra points/pleasure when the screen is shattered to hell. And you know it’s going to take months for them to come up with the money to fix it! Haha serves you right you drug addict! Their fault! Theirs!!!

Quick thing for these lawmakers: who is texting the hospital? And texting the hospital while crossing the street? “Hey hospital, omw almost there sry!” Fuck that, that’s not real. I hate to say it, but that would be pretty funny if someone got beaned by a cab while texting the hospital. Haha imagine if some old lady had her head down, picking out the hospital text with one finger, searching for the letters to the tune of one word per minute when some cabbie careens around a corner and smashes her dumb fake hip into a blue mailbox, pinning her like Mel Gibson’s wife in Signs? lol. Shoulda died years ago, you old sack of testicles! God I hate the elderly.

The sidewalks are crowded enough. Let’s extend this law to anyone walking with their head in their phone. Oh, and let’s triple those fines for anyone who walks and Facetimes simultaneously. Have you fucking seen these people? Like they’re offering a guided tour to some relative back home in a Greek fishing village? They’re bad, and so are the people who walk and talk with their phone on speaker. They put the bottom up to their ear to listen over the sound of a construction site, then put it back in front of their mouth for their turn to talk. They’ve turned smartphones into walkie-talkies, which was a move that I’m pretty sure bankrupted Motorola. Remember this shit?

Hey Motorola, we’re not children in a tree house. Move forward with technology. This isn’t the Vietnam War.

Anyway, all for this law. 6.8 balls.