To The Guy Looking For Me, I Am Looking For You (For Sex)

This morning a lovely lady from the Philly area slid into my DMs alerting me to a local gent looking for someone special on a dating app.

Someone other women want to be & men want to be with. Someone with the brains, beauty & slightly flat, lumpy buns of an angel. Someone like….. me??!????

But would we be a good fit??

-I don’t live by me lonesome; I’ve got two roommates & a shower curtain for a door, which could be problematic if an HJ/squeezer spins out of control.

-Ah, I work more as a dork than a nerd.

-Even though I have two hands, they’re kind of small so I’m not sure they’ll be able to handle what I assume is a *wink-wink the size of two Family-Size Dinty Moore Stew cans stacked on top of each other. (*meaty cock)

-I’m also Alpha AF, but I don’t want anyone to get over it. I want the haters to be sick.

-My moral compass has more of an extrinsic vibe, but I hope you can overlook that (and the fact that I had to google this, but love that you’re clearly a major intellect.)

-I don’t know what OC Hamilton is, but an Alpha boiiiii with a massive hog who’s into musicals – sign me up.

-Sounds like you’ll be able to handle my constant, soul sucking need for attention.

-I’m excited you were looking for me because let me tell you something, NO boring sex when you’re the head mechanic at Kate’s Boner Garage. I’ve got a secret little move that I stick with 100% of the time, zero exceptions, and it’s so powerful most men end up leaving me after a few months because they can’t handle it.

If you’re up for it, meet me at the Roxborough Wawa on Ridge Ave. tonight at 10pm. I love you. (Please bring cigarettes.)