Game of Throws - Choosing The Most Athletic Podfather

This discussion is truly a “shortest midget in the circus“-type deliberation, but I am going to have it nonetheless.

With all the talk of draft positioning and the subsequent countless hours of NBA analysts grading young athletes on their “length” and “motor”, I thought now would be the perfect time to weigh in on, and ultimately rank, the athletic prowesses of myself and the 2 gentlemen that I have the pleasure of hosting The Podfathers podcast with every Wednesday.

I think there is a not-so-obvious Zion in our group, but the debate of who is the Ja Morant or RJ Barrett may require some hashing out.

I figured the best way to do this would be to give you one random action shot of each individual and let you decide.  But keep in mind… This is not about which one of us is in the best shape.  It’s about the order you would pick the three of us if you were managing a half-court pickup hoops game… Losers’ outs, of course.

What got the ball rolling was Uncle Chaps…  Literally…  The ball he attempted to pitch last weekend wound up rolling towards home plate.

Inarguably the most decorated, brave, and muscular member of our trio, Chaps got a chance to go home this past weekend to some forgettably random Florida city and impress his hometown crowd with just how far he has come since his teenage days of rushing back to his room on a Friday night to eat Little Debbie’s snack cakes (a poor man’s Entenmann’s) while watching the WCW fumble around like a poor man’s WWF.

Luckily for Chaps, the crowd was disinterested for the most part, but the few who were actually watching were probably wondering if the bullet Chaps took in the line of service was to his throwing arm.

(it wasn’t)

Therefore, I think for the purposes of choosing a Podfather for pick-up hoops, Chaps would be the one I choose last.

Sure he has a better motor than the other two.  And maybe his time in the line of fire exhibits the “grit” factor that is so often discussed on PMT… But all the muscles and bravery in the world can never change the fact that he throws like a girl, so OFF TO THE END OF THE BENCH, HE GOES!

Next up is me…

Inarguably the most handsome member of our trio. I got a chance to go home to some forgettably random corner of Brooklyn and impress my hometown crowd (my son) with just how far I have come since my teenage days of rushing back to my room on a Friday night to eat a roast beef sandwich from Brennan & Carr while watching The Benny Hill Show.

There is a ton of shit wrong with the clip of me in my old backyard… The fact that I don’t bend my knees immediately leaps to mind.  Followed closely by the glimpse of my pendulous gut near the apex of my ascent into the heavens.

But barring those 2 bugaboos, the fact remains- My Frankenstein-looking-ass set out to dunk on a 9-foot rim* in front of my kid, and I did it.

Chaps wanted to throw a strike, and instead, he committed a crime against masculinity… Therefore, you pick me before him.

Which leaves the number one choice for pick-up hoops amongst The Podfathers…

Inarguably the most lovable member of our trio, Clem got a chance in 2016 to go to some forgettably random gym and impress a handful of complete strangers with just how far he has come since his teenage days of rushing back to his room on a Friday night to eat everything in sight, apparently (Clem is noticeably thinner today) while watching Magnum PI with the sound off (Clem used to be gay**).

I alluded to Clem being the “not so obvious Zion” in the draft above only because there are probably no other outlets where he and Z are given such an exact correlation.  However, compared to Chapsy and me, Clem has a smoothness, confidence, and fundamentally sound athletic form that is perfectly captured in this buttery clip.

And Clem just has it.  He isn’t struggling to get a ball over a plate or laboring to get his hefty frame up to dunk without bending his knees.  He is simply giving us a little sugar with a smooth finish.

The clip is from 2016, but Clem is in better shape today than he was back then, and moves like that for him are undoubtedly as easy to resurrect like riding a bike for other mere mortals.

Therefore and in conclusion, with the #1 pick in this made-up pick-up hoops draft, The New Orleans Pelicans choose…

Clemin Durant out of Sienna College

Take a report.

-Large

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*8-foot rim

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** Clem was never gay… The guy has loved bitches since he crawled out of the womb.

BUT for anyone out there who is both overweight AND gay, here’s a quick link to an old website I used to peruse (when I was gay***).

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*** I “used to be” gay.

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The Podfathers drops every Wednesday afternoon…

Another episode of Extra Large on Barstool GOLD drops today at 10 AM…