USA Today Says Americans Are Broke Because They Spend Money On "Nonessential Items" Like "Food" And "Water" - Let's Break Down The List

Kmarko5/08/2019 7:00 PM

Are you broke?

Are you struggling to make ends meet?

Does it feel like every paycheck goes straight into bills and rent and you’re constantly fighting to avoid a checking account in the red and overdraft fees?

You’re not alone. Many Americans are in the same boat. Thanks to USA Today, we finally have our reason why:

It’s one thing to spend a bit of money treating ourselves to life’s various luxuries, but it’s another thing to splurge to the point where it hurts our finances. Many Americans are guilty of the latter.
In fact, the average adult in the USA spends $1,497 a month on nonessential items, according to research commissioned by Ladder and conducted by OnePoll. All told, that’s roughly $18,000 a year on things we can all do without. And that’s a lot of money, considering the extent to which Americans are letting their savings and other crucial goals fall by the wayside.

But don’t get too down on yourself, because ALSO thanks to USA Today, they’ve got a plan on how to turn things around. Recognize the nonessentials that you buy each month, make a list, then stop buying them.

According to the article…

“Here’s a breakdown of what the typical American spends on nonessentials”:

There you have it. The key to financial security: stop eating, drinking, watching, working out, grooming, or just going anywhere in general. You’ll have a yacht before you know it.

Let’s break down the list:

-RESTAURANT MEALS

$210 a MONTH on restaurants? Where…northern Idaho? That is one date in NYC. But OK, I guess it’s not ESSENTIAL that you eat at restaurants. If you can sacrifice having a fun time out with your friends or getting any pussy whatsoever, you can technically do without restaurants.

-DRINKS

Another thing that I guess is technically NONESSENTIAL – of course, nobody is FORCING you to drink each month. If having virtually no social life is ok and you don’t mind being the sober loser in the group and are fine with sober sex, here’s a chance to save 189 bucks.

-TAKEOUT OR DELIVERY

So we already cut out restaurants, and now we’re axing takeout and delivery. So I guess that leaves us with the time-honored money-saving staple of “buying food at the grocery store and cooking.” I tried that last week. My total at Whole Foods* came to $240. My average Seamless order is like 15 bucks, times 7 days, comes out to $210, and contains 0 sweat equity of cooking and 0 chance of me hating my food because I’m not a great cook. I spent more money to give myself a chore and have worse tasting meals. Sweet nonessential.

(And if you’re saying “well you’re shopping at Whole Foods” – in NYC Whole Foods is the cheap option. The Gristedes next to my apartment (basically a Stop & Shop) is probably the most overpriced place on Planet Earth. Probably 3x Whole Food prices.)

-BUYING LUNCH

I’m getting confused with the food situation here. We can’t go to restaurants or order delivery…now we just straight up can’t eat lunch? Are they suggesting you just skip a meal entirely? Or steal your lunch? Maybe go to the mall and go around the food court getting free samples then putting a disguise on and going through again as many times as you can until they recognize you?

But while you’re at the mall, remember, NO…

…-IMPULSE PURCHASES

Out of everything on this list, this is the one that is most clearly nonessential. Cutting out drunk Amazon purchases and not purchasing clothes you don’t need just because the person working there complimented how you look in it is a pretty reasonable way to save some money.

I would argue that I need that for my personal happiness, but I can at least admit I don’t NEED it.

-RIDESHARES

Good idea, I’ll cut out that $96.11 on Uber and buy a $127 Metrocard. For a subway that goes nowhere even near my destination. CitiBike is only $14.95 so I could do that – perfect for the 100 degree summer days, showing up to my date sweating through my clothing. Also I definitely won’t get hit by the very sane careful drivers of New York City and end up with $100,000 in hospital bills. Biking it is.

-PERSONAL GROOMING

Everyone works at Barstool right? Your boss doesn’t care about shaving or trimming your hair? You can just show up looking like a caveman? Should be easy for you then, just cut out personal hygiene altogether.

-SUBSCRIPTION BOXES

I feel comfortable saying that 94 dollars a month on “subscription boxes” applies to approximately 3 people in the country. Who the fuck spends $94 on subscription boxes?

-CABLE

Nonessential now, but I have a feeling this guy isn’t talking about cord cutting. I think he’s more suggesting you just don’t need TV in general. Fits in nicely with the “have the most boring life humanly possible” theme.

-ONLINE SHOPPING

Guess I’ll hop on my CitiBike and go to the…mall? Individual stores? Or should I just not wear clothes anymore? If I don’t need to shave or cut my hair or put on deodorant I probably don’t need clothes.

-GYM CLASSES OR MEMBERSHIPS

This is why you don’t need rideshares – no better workout than walking 6 miles to work and 6 miles back every day. Seriously who needs physical fitness and health anymore? You don’t have to worry about getting fat since you can’t buy or eat food. Evens out.

-PAID APPS

I don’t pay for any apps so I guess this is nonessential. Go ahead, save yourself that 23 bucks.

-TV AND MOVIE STREAMING

Nobody needs to watch TV or movies or any sort of entertainment, just listen to music.

-MUSIC STREAMING

Oh. Ok, just read books.

-COFFEE

Just do cocaine and smoke cigarettes.

-BOTTLED WATER

If there’s one thing that humans are proven to not need, it’s water.

I’ve got an idea for the first thing to cancel to save money: