NASA And FEMA Are Going To Conduct A Test For An Asteroid Impact...Spoilers: We're All Dead

(Gizmodo)-NASA, FEMA, and other national and international agencies are once again gearing up for a hypothetical asteroid impact preparedness scenario. They hope to learn the best strategies for responding to a potential strike, starting from the moment a threatening asteroid is first detected by astronomers.

Next week marks the start of the International Academy of Astronautics Planetary Defense Conference. As part of this conference, NASA’s Planetary Defense Coordination Office will team up with other partners to perform a “tabletop exercise” on how they’d handle the news of a (fictional) asteroid on a collision course with Earth.

“What emergency managers want to know is when, where and how an asteroid would impact, and the type and extent of damage that could occur,” Leviticus Lewis of the Response Operations Division for FEMA said in the NASA press release.

Well isn’t that cute of NASA and FEMA. Sears Tower size asteroid rocketing into Earth and the agencies in charge of space and disasters just want to be prepared. Bless their hearts. The old cliche here of “fail to plan, plan to fail” doesn’t apply here. The people testing and designing these plans won’t be able to implement them, you know why? Because they’ll be DEAD. Everyone is dying. It’ll be the end of days. A little baby asteroid blew up over Siberia in 1908 and look at it.

Every tree in an area the size of London completely and instantly SMOKED and again that asteroid didn’t even strike the Earth. It just blew up in the sky above the Earth wiped out EVERYTHING. Even a hundred some odd years later it’s devastation there

I was listening to Graham Hancock on Joe Rogan this week and he said some numbers about asteroids and nukes that I can’t understand, but it sounds big. Here is the clip

You heard it from Graham…the cosmos don’t a fuck. 6 times more powerful than all of the nukes on Earth combined. Not great! So here is the deal with your plans for such an impact…don’t make them. If anyone survives that shit they’re not going to want to be alive anyways. My cable and internet were down for two hours yesterday morning from 6am until just after 8am and I had a panic attack. Sent the BarstoolChicago group text several distressed messages saying I wouldn’t be able to blog until the afternoon because I called comcast and they estimated it’d be out until 11am. FUCK that. I can’t even imagine what I’d do without cable, internet, and electricity on a permanent basis. How am I even going to eat? Postmates won’t work after the apocalypse. And if you’re thinking “well, if there’s girls around…sex. Sex can still be a thing”. Girls without makeup and soul cycle classes? Pass. The only problem that the apocalypse would solve when it comes to dating/girls is that the question of “what are we going to eat? Nah I don’t feel like that, you decided” is permanently solved. What are we eating? Girl, we are spliting the rabbit I managed to kill with a rock by some stroke of miracle. And that is probably our last meal for the week so I hope you like it.

So again, don’t waste your time with post-impact plans. Everyone who survives is going to wish they were dead anyways. Just let them be.