Introducing The Anti-Vaxxer Church That Is Super Cool With You Bleaching Your Asshole
Former Scientologist Jim Humble, who I believe may have seen the film Jurassic Park, is leading the way for ‘Genesis II: Church of Health & Healing’…
..And he’s making headlines for a symposium he’s hosting this weekend which promotes a ‘miracle cure’.
Alright a magic fix-all makes me want to roll my eyes… and yet… I’m listening… I’ve got a propensity for injuring myself & think I’m getting bronchitis from smoking too much… Maybe a gal could use a miracle. So what’s the deal Rev. Humble?
According to The Guardian, this miracle cure…
“…claims to cure 95% of all diseases in the world by making adults and children, including infants, drink industrial bleach.
The group is inviting members of the public through Facebook to attend what they call their “effective alternative healing” at the Icicle Village Resort in Leavenworth on Saturday morning. The organizer of the event, Tom Merry, has publicized the event on his personal Facebook page by telling people that learning how to consume the bleach “could save your life, or the life of a loved one sent home to die”.
The “church” is asking attendants of the meeting to “donate” $450 each, or $800 per couple, in exchange for receiving membership to the organization as well as packages of the bleach, which they call “sacraments”. The chemical is referred to as MMS, or “miracle mineral solution or supplement”, and participants are promised they will acquire “the knowledge to help heal many people of this world’s terrible diseases”.
Going off all the anonymous 5 star reviews that they absolutely didn’t post themselves, it seems pretty legit, and for the well-being of your family it’s imperative you drop $450 – $800 to learn how to drink bleach safely this weekend.
Here at Barstool we’re not adverse to thinking outside the box on drinks…
…but bleach? For the sake of adding more words to this blog even though the answer is obvious, I must ask – Is this MMS solution safe?
In fact, MMS consists of chlorine dioxide, a powerful bleach that is used both on textiles and in the industrial treatment of water. It has been banned in several countries around the world for use as a medical treatment.
In the US, the chemical cannot be sold for human consumption. In 2010, the US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) put out a public warning after it was notified of many injuries to consumers from drinking the fluid, with symptoms that included nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, severe dehydration and one person who had a life-threatening reaction.
The FDA issued the blunt advice: “Consumers who have MMS should stop using it immediately and throw it away.”
If bleach could do this to Timberlake’s hair in the 2000s, it can do the same to your stomach lining. And your stomach lining can only handle so much yellow, curly hair. Don’t ask me how I know.
Naturally this sent me down a rabbit hole where I clicked every link on their website. If you’re bored at work or stuck on the train I highly recommend. Here’s some highlights I found:
Exhibit A for Assholes)
They don’t deal with none of that mamby pamby shit other religions are puttin’ out there. They’re here for real talk only. And real talk, you’re 100% insane if you still think vaccinations are bad. I’m not a law expert, but apparently joining this bizarre org gives you a ‘get out of healthcare & endanger everyone else free’ card, at least in the state of Washington??
Exhibit B for actual B-holes)
The Church of Health & Healing is totally cool with you bleaching your asshole as per 3) in the photo below. While you’re at it spray a little up your schnozzola & squirt a bit directly on that fresh burn. Not sure if you’ll heal, but you’re 100% gonna feel wide-the-fuck-awake for a good twenty minutes after.
Exhibit C for Communion)
Their sacraments aren’t your average unleavened bread, though whatever you imbibe probably also tastes like whatever Diatomaceous Earth is?
Exhibit D for Disclaimer)
If you go to the very bottom of the website’s pages there’s a tiiiiny note of importance…
Hey, here’s our protocol that we’re charging lots of money for & pushing as a miracle cure sacraments to desperate people, but if you actually do what we say & you get fucked up that’s on you!
Disclaimer: The protocols described on this site are official sacraments of the Genesis II Church of Health and Healing. The reader accepts 100% responsibility for any and all use made of any information herein.
I’ll stop there but the more I scroll the stranger the whole thing is. Sometimes I wonder how people can buy into this crazy stuff, but I also tried one of those Flat Belly teas recently so I get it.
Again, if you’re looking to kill some time this is a solid, very bleached hole to fall into…