Upstart Presidential Candidate Andrew Yang Is Flip-Flopping On Circumcision
Rolling Stone- Not only does Yang, 44, align himself with intactivists, a name for those who oppose circumcision, he wants to incorporate the position into public policy. “From what I’ve seen, the evidence on it being a positive health choice for the infant is quite shaky,” added Yang, who has no plans to ban circumcision, only to “inform parents that it is entirely up to them whether their infant gets circumcised, and that there are costs and benefits either way.”
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This isn’t exactly a new story, but there have been some developments recently that warranted analysis. Thus, meet Andrew Yang. He’s running for president and has raised eyebrows with unconventional policy ideas, like instituting a universal basic income of $1k/month to offset the job loss stemming from automation. This means that everyone (EVERYONE! DRUNKS, MARTY MUSH, ETC.) gets $1,000 smackeroos a month just for being an American! Sounds fun, right?
But before you go voting with your wallet, understand the cost that comes with an Andrew Yang presidency. We’re talking about a potentially-massive resurgence of foreskin. You know how penises look? Think again. Andrew Yang wants to blanket the landscape with burrito bingas, from your local YMCA locker room to the splotchy porn sets of Burbank. Sex will become a guessing game. What’s behind the fly: your traditional two-piece lego log, complete with bulb and stem? Or one continuous, boneless mozzarella stick that someone bit and then tried to camouflage by mushing the edges towards the center in a bunchy, scrunchy mess? Let’s drive this home. Ever shake hands with someone with no fingers, like Jason Pierre-Paul if he’d used bigger fireworks? Can’t get any purchase. This isn’t to shame the fingerless though. Don’t lose sight of the real threat: the uncircumcised.
Andrew Yang wants to open the door for these sea cucumbers. AND he has the support of the big pro-skin lobby (the “intactivists”):
“I think there’s nothing more inhumane than tying down a baby or a child and amputating a healthy, normal part of his body,” Intact America founder Georganne Chapin told the Daily Beast, adding that she thinks Yang’s campaign slogan, “Humanity First,” is “awesome.”
Oh yeah, Georganne? Is that your professional penile opinion? Thanks for weighing in. Now excuse me as I start a campaign to (insert female body issue here). You know, because there’s nothing more inhumane than (insert whacky justification for male involvement in issue).
You know what’s inhumane? Leaving your son to face the sea of confused, sometimes horrified faces that react to his uncircumcised dick. I’ll admit, I don’t know much when it comes to unchopped liverwurst. But from what I’ve gleaned from dozens of conversations with women friends, it’s not the desired model. She wanted a fishing boat, you brought her a submarine. All because your parents thought it was inhumane to open the jacket at an age where your brain can’t form memories.
In recent weeks, Yang has clarified (read: walked back) his stance on circumcision:
First, that joke by the TMZ reporter might be the worst bomb I’ve EVER heard. Ever. And second, saying “I’ve literally been to my friends’ brises” to prove that you’re an ally to the circumcisers is tremendous. That’s the “I have black friends!” disclaimer that comes after someone is accused of racism. And for what it’s worth, I call bullshit on Yang’s bris attendance record. One? Maybe. MULTIPLE BRISES? Cut it out.
And finally…
Yang tweeted that he believed one his donors was Nicolas Cage. Cage’s manager later confirmed to Rolling Stone that the actor did indeed donate to Yang’s campaign and that he supports his candidacy.
Is it fair to say that Nic Cage isn’t circumcised? More than fair. And if I know Nic Cage as well as I think I do, he probably sewed that foreskin on himself. I like to think he cured the hide of a goat he met in Thailand and cut off a nice strip to wrap around his archeological appendage.
In closing, remember this: a vote for Yang is a vote for a covered wang. Be careful.
PS- Jim Jefferies crushes this topic in his latest special, but the clip isn’t available. Watch it on Netflix.