NO, GOD, NO: Bryce Harper Is Hit By A Pitch And Drops To The Dirt In Agony

I WANT #57 ON THE BLUEJAYS’ HEAD AND BALLS ON A PLATE! First Joe Carter ends my childhood, now this Toronto taint is threatening to end my adulthood. No, God. Take me instead. Please. For the good of humanity and all thing holy PLEASE be OK, Bryce. We don’t need to see our beloved new hero that’s worth an entire small country’s GDP drop like a sack of potatoes to the dirt in freaking Spring Training. Not happening. Not on your watch. If I need to wear that magic underwear and find a dozen or so wives to show Bryce’s preferred God I mean business, I will. Don’t do this to us.

HOWEVA:

HE AIN’T NO DANNY TARTABUL! That’s what we call Mormon Power, people. Or something like that. Glad to see he’s (probably) OK. Philly Loaded, baby. PHILLY LOADED:

PS – Trying to defend Philly’s honor as best as I can with the tools I’m provided. Sometimes it’s just not enough in the name of content.