Cassie And Colton Are Dating, Yay?: The Bachelor Finale Part 2 Recap

That’s a wrap on the most dramatic finale in Bachelor history that was actually super boring. Colton fought for his lady, it somehow worked, and now Cassie and Colton are living in dating bliss. No engagement, no pressure! Oh and Chris Harrison wouldn’t shut up about his virginity. “Will he remain a virgin forever” was how he opened the show.

Last night’s finale picked up where we left off, Colton was knocking on Cassie’s door to try and get her to change her mind about leaving. It seems like all Colton had to do was say the magic words…”all the other women are gone” Cassie ATE IT ALL up. She was trying to hide that smile when Colton told her that he dumped the other two girls for her even when she was planning on leaving and DIRECT QUOTE “couldn’t wait to move on with her life.”

Cassie once again couldn’t formulate a sentence. This girl was permanently confused all season and that continued for the entire finale. It was like she had no idea how she got to where she was. She was the *record scratch* meme for the entire episode. Then after winning her back in record time because Cassie was just like “uh idk okay” he invited her to Mallorca to meet his family.

(Side note before we head to Mallorca, if anyone knows where Cassie’s cheetah mules are from hit a girl up)

Okay Cassie was a nervous wreck to meet Colton’s parents. Once again, she has no idea how she got in that scenario. She is very aware that Colton is a billions steps ahead of her in their relationship and she knew how awkward it was going to be to explain that to his parents. Which it was. It’s also very clear that Cassie went on this show with ZERO intention to get engaged. You could tell Colton’s parents were very skeptical. She kept trying to explain how she and Colton were on different pages because he was ready for an engagement and she “wasn’t there yet.” She could have signed up for any reality show but she picked the one where there’s an engagement at the end with noooooo interest in an engagement for herself.

I love Colton’s dad. The only time I felt any emotion this episode was when his dad started crying. Just a burly man trying to protect his son.

Then Cassie and Colton have a romantic date in Mallorca where they repelled down a cliff for a picnic.

The best part of this date was in the car when Cassie asked Colton what song he would want to be listening to in that moment. He answered, and she asked him to sing it. He promptly said no because, “he didn’t want her to leave him again.” BOOM. How many times is Colton going to be able to use that line on her? Endless.

At the picnic Cassie explained how she is soooo scared to be in a relationship. ARE YOU KIDDING ME CASSIE?! You might as well just come out and admit to Colton that you came on the show for fame and you had no intention on finishing the show in a relationship. Lay it all on the table and tell Colton, “Hey I came on this show for fame. You seem cool and all and maybe we can date but I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.”

Cassie accepted the fantasy suite redo date and the two end in to have sex or not to have sex who the hell knows because they won’t talk about it. Everyone was outraged by this but I couldn’t be less surprised. Every time there is a virgin on this show they hype up the virginity, but NEVER confirm actual sex. I don’t know why Colton wouldn’t want to just be like hey it happened so everyone can shut up now, but maybe it was per Cassie’s request.

Colton hit us with “a gentleman never kisses and tells” so we all just have to assume sex was had. Who knows. I’m guessing yes.

Then we had another super dumb roundtable with Chris Harrison that included Ben Higgins, Jason, Goose, Demi, Onyeka, and Sydney. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Don’t get me wrong I love half of these people…but I just needed this finale to end without more sex talk. The sex metaphors that happened in the span of 2 minutes were brutal.

Jumped him like a fence- Demi
He jumped that fence quick- Chris Harrison
Hope he doesn’t come up short- Onyeka
Explosion waiting to happen- Sydney
We lost him in Portugal maybe he lost something else- Jason

Exhausting.

Producers crushed another birds and bees opening before going to…..Colton in the shower!!!

Fast forward and we have a happy Colton and Cassie sitting with Chris Harrison! They’re in love! No plans to get engaged or move in together in the near future but hey, Cassie seems to have realized she loves him. So that’s great for them, I guess. They played a clip of their life post show and Cassie played Colton a video of her admitting her feelings for him. Clearly Cassie has a hard time articulating her feelings in person because she had to film a video of herself to play for Colton to actually explain it.

Colton gave Cassie the last rose (she accepted) and they wouldn’t confirm or deny any sexual intercourse. Once again. Come on guys.

Then we had a live performance from AIR SUPPLY. I don’t even have words for this moment. I watched on a delay last night and I had the privilege of fast forwarding through this whole thing. I feel bad for all of you out there who had to watch that.

And our next bachelorette is…..Hannah B!

We all knew this anyway because Reality Steve, but the words came out of Chris Harrison’s mouth so it is now official. I really wish Hannah the best, she seems like a super sweet girl. But please, someone get this girl into acting or speech classes or SOMETHING. It might be “endearing” that she can’t speak on camera but once we hit Week 5 of her season it is going to be really annoying. I also cannot hear ROLL TIDE a million times. Please. I’m begging you.

They put her to the test by giving her five contestants to practice with and….yikes. Luke, Dustin, Cam, Connor, and Luke (who was actually Nick Viall and Luke Pell combined into one man). Connor looked like he was 18 years old, but tall so thats always good. After we got through everyone’s cheesy intros, TWIST Hannah was able to give one of the guys a rose. OF COURSE she gave it to this guy.

Hope you’re as excited for Hannah’s season as we are!

To wrap it up, it seems like Colton and Cassie are happy together. It’s hard to watch it all happen at once because one second Cassie is confused and the next thing we know they are madly in love. I have little faith on their success fate but, if they’re happy I’m happy.

Cassie is definitely trying to make a point.

Also get ready for an onslaught of “we’re in love!” pics!