Colton's Hair, A Twitter Emergency: The Bachelor Finale Part 1 Recap

Last night we watched Part 1 of the most dramatic Bachelor finale in history. Let’s break it down from the beginning, from Colton strolling through the Portuguese night to ending the season with no girls left and his virginity still in tact.

Watching the producers scramble to secure Colton was absolutely hilarious. One of them legitimately asked to check the brush?? Like Colton was just hiding in a bush somewhere crying and hoping no one would find him. Chris Harrison was jogging around so much the man was out of breath.

Finally our national nightmare was over and Colton was secured.

Colton was absolutely in shambles. He was totally done with the show. His long term love Cassie had left him and he was ready to throw in the towel. One of my favorite parts of the live audience is when they cut back to them before they go to commercial. Production makes sure every member is silent and they just hold onto that silence for what seems like eternity. Really hits you in the feels.

Lemme tell you something. I am very tired of talking about this man’s virginity. I do not care at all at this point. Obviously he’s still a virgin if he started the show as one and now all the girls are gone!!! Stop asking!!!! We would not be STILL be talking about his virginity this much if he was a woman that’s for damn sure.

Colton and Chris Harrison sat down to talk about his feelings and Colton makes it very clear that he is committed to Cassie and he is convinced that she loves him back. She left him in the dust, but he thinks that Cassie was just scared. Obviously Chris has to ask all the hard questions.

It was very clear that Colton was going to break up with the last two girls so we had an hour and a half of watching some sad shit. Colton and Tayshia sobbed into each others arms off-camera. And yes, do they deserve their privacy? Sure. But that’s just not how this show works. We watched Arie breakup with Becca on camera and it was excruciating. That’s the name of the game. Plus we could hear everything anyway because they still had their mics on. Literally everything. Heartbeats and all. Tayshia is a goddamn angel because this woman actually started comforting Colton!! She was getting dumped and yet she was consoling him!! “Are you okay?” -Tayshia to Colton. Unreal.

I didn’t even notice till I saw this tweet, but Colton handled explaining himself to Tayshia pretty well (it fell apart with Hannah G.). It wasn’t full of a lot of cliches and he actually spoke about Cassie like Tayshia knows her, which obviously she does.

Obviously this finale is different from others so the format was different. Instead of seeing the breakups happen straight through on the show, they broke it up by Colton talking live with each girl. They brought Tayshia out (she looked stunning) and she got some answers from Colton.

I’m not going to lie I heard nothing Colton said. I was so distracted by his hair it was the only thing I could think about. Did someone tell him his hair looked sexy “messy”??? It looks like when you get the top of your head rubbed my a grandparent but he didn’t fix it afterwards.

I hope Tayshia got her closure and I wish she asked him if he had done something to his hair.

Then we’re back to Portugal to see Colton break up with Hannah G. Watching this back had to be awfullll for her. We haven’t seen her in what seems like forever and finally she gets some airtime and she thinks she’s about to have her date with Colton. She was journaling her love for Colton as he walked through the door. Their actual breakup felt weird to watch, probably because we haven’t seen them have a real conversation all season. It was hard to feel attached to that relationship because all we saw was them makeout. This is where Colton’s breakup skills went out the window. Maybe this breakup was the hardest for him compared to the others but things got messy. Colton threw out all the worst lines for a breakup…

I give Hannah G. a lot of props because she showed her true colors when she sat down with Chris Harrison and got to talk to Colton. She actually got to show her personality!

And thank god, the hair situation was fixed which I’ll take some credit for because Mills (a producer) retweeted this and then next thing we know he’s back to good hair! These are the times Twitter is so amusing. Everyone tweeted about his hair that they had to bring it up twice on the live show.

Hannah G. had her time to shine and made Colton answer all of her questions. She did act like she was blindsided he had feelings for other girls, which is a little unfair considering the show, but she held her ground and explained her feelings.

The producers either poorly planned the timing of this episode or they really thought they were going to fill the last 15 minutes of the show with a bros roundtable made up of Ben Higgins, Blake, Garrett, and Jason. I will not complain about seeing Ben Higgins talking about love on my TV but it was tough. Jason had his time to shine and subtly brag about finding love (shoutout Kaitlyn Bristowe) after his time on the show and Garrett just used Bachelor buzz words that made no sense put together. It seemed like Becca was maybe supposed to make an appearance but wasn’t where she was supposed to be because they delayed more by talking about Colton’s hair again. And that was that.

We saw the preview for tonights episode where SOMEHOW Cassie is still in Portugal. Time is so fucking weird on this show. I would have guessed Cassie was long gone but realistically it was probably just the next morning after she broke up with him and she was on the next flight out of there. Now we can look forward to Colton begging Cassie (again) to take him back. Let’s see how she reacts after hearing he already dumped the other two girls.

A two night, two hour each finale that EASILY could have been the standard Monday night three hour show. I don’t know why I’m so annoyed about this but there is absolutely no reason for this finale to be two nights. There was so much filler last night that I was pissed by how they were dragging it out. Give me what I’m used to. 2 hour finale with one hour ATFR. There wasn’t THAT much crazy content that it wouldn’t fit in that timeframe.

I will leave you with this final thought…