I Don't Care What You Call These Things, They Still Stink

I was minding my own business, farming a fresh crop of TikToks when all of the sudden I remembered these things from middle/high school lunch. Do you recall they would have a special day where they would serve them and you would get all excited? No? Well then back out now because you already gave me a click and this blog isn’t for you.

There are two things I remember about these sticks, which my school called “Cheese Sticks”. The first is that I thought they were great while I was in school. My body could easily consume/metabolize 3,000 calories a day with ease and these puppies may as well have been whipped up by Wolfgang Puck to my stupid teenage brain. The second thing I remember is the glass-shattering moment when I realized that they actually sucked ass. They’re essentially 0% fat skim mozzarella wrapped in multigrain dough that looks and tastes like particle board. Now, I’m from Long Island, which probably has 100x more annoying, sauce-loving Italians on it than all of Sicily. So you might think that the marina they serve with it would be up to snuff, right? Well, guess again. It’s essentially ketchup mixed with gelatin to make it thiccer than Nathan Fillion’s juicy ass-cheeks. They were also somehow never hot. They had a max temp of MAYBE 50 degrees. I will not be swayed into thinking they were anything easily produced, prison food quality trash. And I may be white trash, Long Island scum, but I still have a god damn degree of self-respect (like, at most, the one degree angle of every NYC shower handle that sends it from freezing cold to boiling hot)

After tweeting this, it seems that many people on twitter disagree. They look back with rose colored glasses, letting nostalgia take over the facts and logic of the situation. It also seems that these tasteless, caloric, meal replacement sticks went by many different names throughout the country:

After all these options came out, I became curious. What do YOU call these….things. Do they have a definitive name? Or have public schools been playing a misdirection game so that we wouldn’t rise up as one to reject them? If the embedded form doesn’t work, click here.