The Object of Mankind's Destruction Has Been Perfected at Last

So walk me through a typical day at Boston Dynamics. It’s 9 am. Guys are grabbing coffees.

“How was your weekend, Justin?”

“Hey, Brian. Not bad. Quiet. Just sort of hung in. A lot of Fortnite. You?”

“Pretty much the same. So what are we working on today?”

“Well, I was thinking about the unstoppable killer robot we’re perfecting and I realized we haven’t made it so it can leap full speed on and off a table or glide down a staircase without slowing down one iota. I’d like to get going on those things.”

“Good idea. I’d also like to increase its tensile weightlifting strength and get that up to at least 100 lbs by the end of the week. I think by the end of the year I think we can have it strong enough to snap a grown man’s spine.”

“Fantastic! Let’s get cracking.”

Let’s just make ourselves a promise right now. When the Internet becomes self-aware starts wiping humanity off the face of the Earth and machines start making remorseless, indestructible, hyper-efficient death machines and we few remaining survivors are being hunted by droids like this as we forage for food in warehouses – in, say, a year from now – let’s not say “How did this happen?” Or “Where did these things come from?” Because we know damned well. We’re seeing it every day.

This Robot Apocalypse is happening in slow motion right in front of our eyes. While we sit there and say “Wow! Those Boston Dynamics guys are amazing!” and clapping like the doomed primitives we are. Just like I’m sure 65 million years ago the dinosaurs were looking up at the sky thinking “Oooh! Look at the bright light!” as the asteroid plummeted through the atmosphere, bringing them hot, molten mass destruction.

So since I’ll never escape this metal monster you’ve created and am certain to be one of the first to die, let me give you my sarcastic, “Thanks a lot, nerds” to you Boston Dynamics guys. I hope you’re proud of yourselves.