The Smuggest Douchebag In All Of Holland Insulted My Dear Friend Tucker Carlson

In case you missed it, a dutch “historian” named Rutger Bregman was generously invited on Tucker Carlson Tonight to talk about his recent crusade at the Davos summit. In doing so, he spat in the face of my dear friend‘s kindness and used his platform to proselytize about the sins of the wealthy. Hmmm, compensating much? Sounds like a guy who has to check his account balance before withdrawing from an ATM, which we all know is a nightmare because it means you have to punch in your pin code twice. Something tells me this dude will walk an extra 20 blocks to find his bank just to avoid the $2.50 transaction fee from an off-brand ATM. Chump.

First of all, what kind of job is historian? What does that even mean these days? I understand the importance of historians during ancient Greece or during wars fought with spears and shit. But for the last 200 years, we’ve had the internet. We’re covered man. Your job sucks and your life is fake, Rutger (which is a dogs name, btw, not a human man name). Historian isn’t even an option on Tinder’s profession dropdown menu, for obvious reasons: no woman would ever swipe right on a “historian.” It’s like blacksmith or cottager or vassal. Nobody has said “SUMMON THE HISTORIAN, EVENTS ARE TAKING PLACE!” for a thousand years. And to think Rutger writes that on his W-2, a form he finds intensely erotic. Fast forward to our century you feudal serf.

If you can’t tell, this is very fun for me.

Rutger condemns the anchors on Fox for being millionaires. No surprise here, considering the Netherlands is (are? is this fucking plural?) a socialist country. Boohooooo! “I read Animal Farm in 5th grade and the problem wasn’t the system, it was Napoleon’s greed!” Historians hate people who make more money than them (Science, page 100). And sadly, that’s pretty much everyone. Unless you’re David McCullough, who is a national treasure.

I literally have no idea what I’m talking about right now.

After patiently enduring Rutger’s nonsense for over an hour, Tucker ultimately realizes the futility of reasoning with this pedantic puppet. In a magnanimous gesture, Tucker diagnoses Rutger with having a tiny brain. From there, we sympathize with the poor fellow, to some degree, for being so obnoxious: it’s not his fault; he suffers from an abnormally tiny brain. Therefore, we sympathize.

If you thought my friend Tucker would back down from his words, you don’t know him as well as he and I know each other. We would all do well to take a page from Tucker’s book on standing by our words:

PS- I had to watch the original video a bunch of times to write this. Each time Rutger said “DaVOS” with the upward emphasis on the second syllable, I wanted to pluck my own testicles from my body with a pair of stainless steel corn tongs. But what else would you expect from Edward Snowden’s pretentious stepsister?

Really puts the nerd in neard.

PPS- I defy you to watch this and not laugh with Dave after Tucker calls me one of his favorite writers.