Welcome To The Sex Offenders Registry, Carlos Danger! (AKA Anthony Weiner)

Independent- Disgraced former congressman Anthony Weiner has been released from federal prison after being convicted of having illicit online contact with a 15-year-old girl in 2017. 

He will have to register as a sex-offender and spend three years on supervised release under the terms of his sentence.

The Federal Bureau of Prisons website shows the 54-year-old New York Democrat is currently in the custody of its Residential Re-entry Management office in Brooklyn, New York.

The bureau website shows Weiner is slated to complete his sentence on 14 May, a few months earlier than scheduled because of good conduct in prison.

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Welcome back, welcome back, welcoooome back to Carlos Danger!!!!!! Oh what fun. I wonder what he learned in prison? Hmmm. Maybe… don’t include your fucking face in the selfies you send to underage girls? Christ man, that’s Creep 101. If have a daughter, I’m going to engrave that shit on the back of the first cell phone we give her. “To my darling Josephine: only send neck-down nudes. And photoshop away any distinguishing birthmarks. This allows for plausible deniability, which means you can still run for president someday. We’re so proud of you!”

On second thought, that’s a lot of words to engrave in a phone. Fuck it, no phone for Josie.

So Anthony Weiner is out, which means he’s officially on the sex offender registry. I actually searched his name and sadly, he’s not up there yet (I hear the paperwork can take a few days, ugh). As soon as he’s up there, I’ll be sure to blast it out. Yeeee I’m so excited! Living in New York, you want to be on lists. Nightclubs, gallery openings, restaurant reservations… having your name on the list is power. Except, of course, the one list nobody wants to be on: the dreaded sex-offender registry. BUM BUM BUM. And ol’ sugartits Weiner will officially etch his name in the ranks of society’s worst, as of today (or maybe tomorrow. Christ, this technology is outdated.) Membership is for LIFE, baby! There’s no amount of community service or good behavior, no number of adults that you can hook up with, that can get your name taken down. That shit is tattooed on there.

I wish him the best of luck, I really do. I hope he runs for office again so we can get blasted with another montage of his hairless pecs. What a fucking joke.

PS- if you haven’t seen this, it’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen from Nathan Fielder: