South African Man Dies After Masturbating Too Much On Valentine's Day

Note: This is actually from Valentine’s Day 2018. Also Note: its completely fake. But just go with it. 

Daily Pakistan – A 33-year-old single man from Bloemfontein in South Africa died on Wednesday afternoon after he masturbated 62 times in a row. Valentines Day ended in tragedy for David Mabuza after he apparently masturbated a world record, jaw-dropping 62 times non-stop before dying of a heart attack. Mabuza, who lived with his parents, was found dead in his bedroom after apparently masturbating too much. It is speculated that he was suffering from depression due to being “extremely lonely” on Valentines Day. David’s Mother called the SAPS after discovering his corpse in his room. David’s mother told Nusa reporters “1 hour passed since I had called him out for lunch. David was the kind of boy to steal food off your plate when you were not looking, i knew something was wrong when he didn’t come out to eat, he was a great kid” she said as she began to cry. Police arrived at the home about an hour after Ms. Mabuza called them. Officer Ronny Mkhize told Nusa reporters what they saw when they opened David’s bedroom door. “The young man was on his bed… his pen*s was detached from his body, it must have been so intense it just came off his body, we found his pen*s gripped in his left hand so tightly we couldn’t get it out, it was tragic”. Investigators are still investigating the case for more information, Mabuza’s funeral will take place sometime next week.

Now I know the skeptics out there aren’t going to believe this. You’re probably saying this sounds like your typical fake news viral story out of Africa or Asia. You’re probably wondering “how did they know it was 62 times?” You’re probably thinking “there’s no way you could jerk your dick clean off of your body.” And I suppose these are all valid questions.

Me, though? Well I choose to believe. I want to live in a world where an African dude was so sad he ripped his cock right off his body and they found his dead corpse with his severed dick in his hand. I want to believe that African police showed up and the room looked like Randy Marsh in front of his PC. So much cum everywhere they did the math and surmised this must be upwards of 62 sessions. Almost like those questions you get asked on a job interview. How many golf balls can fit in a 747? How many pennies to reach the top of the Empire State Building? These cops show up and start guesstimating how many loads in order to confirm the cause of death. Calculating cubic volume of semen and estimating the average amount per nut. Obviously accounting for cum attrition. I’d have to imagine by like your 20th go-round your body is just completely dehydrated. I mean if I reach 3 I feel like I’m shooting blanks. By that point you’re tapping into the reserve tanks, emptying some cum from deep in your toes. I dunno how they counted the other 59 sessions but thats why they are South African police investigating masturbation death and I’m just a lowly blogger. I dunno, maybe he was scratching tally marks on the wall every time he nutted or something like that. I think 62 makes sense.

I’m willing to give them the benefit of the doubt, thats all I’m saying. I mean I’m a 33 year old man myself. I was alone last night. I signed up for a premium Pornhub account (It was free.). First true Valentines Day I spent alone in a long long time. And you know what? I was dangerously horny too. I dont think I had 62 in me. For fucks sake, thats Melo at the Garden type numbers. David Mabuza was Carmelo in the zone, in the comfort of his own home, and his poor dick was the Charlotte Bobcats. Put up a franchise record on that dick. Not me. I’m not a pure scorer like that. But I am a competitor. I do rise to the occasion. So on this first real Valentine’s Day as a single dude, I went Brett Favre-after-his-dad-died on that dick. All depressed and working through a sad family situation but still had the heart to put up 399 yards and hang 4 on em. Went to the locker room after and just collapsed. Too dehydrated to even cry. All my fluids were left on the field in yesterday’s boxers. Dick still connected to my body though, albeit battered and misshapen. Finished up the night with that thing all swollen looking like a hammerhead shark. Rest in Peace to David Mabuza and my dick for at least a couple days. And I hope you all had a better Valentine’s Day than we did.

PS – I always love how these fake stories are accompanied by some sort of real picture. It honestly makes it so much more believable that we had a picture of these guys carrying a dead body on a stretcher. Makes your fake story go from like 0% real to 20% believable if you include a real picture.