The Internet's Absolute Worst: A Shallow Dive into Incel Culture

“Women do not exist. Only filthy, rapacious degenerate femoids: pale imitations of the true mental and moral equal my mind is able to conjure.”

Last night, after giving my grandmother a goodnight peck and tip-toeing to my adjacent bedroom to take some late night screenshots of young men being diabolically horny on Twitter, I accidentally started coming…

To a bittersweet realization.

(Not that I’m a fucking loser—I already came to that realization in September.)

But that these cornballs on Twitter aren’t nearly as bad as I’ve been making them out to be for so long. Well, they probably are, but there are much much worse breeds of males festering online, going undetected by my radar for far too long.

I first heard about the “incel” phenomenon about a year or two ago, but since then, it’s been nothing more, to me, than a humorous buzzword used to make fun of repulsive adult male virgins. It wasn’t until recently, however, that I actually took the plunge into the polluted waters of the internet’s Sea of Incels. And what I discovered was so ominous that it made the darkest trenches of Horny Twitter look like a suburban bird bath.

If you somehow missed the hundreds of articles—and multiple shooting sprees—inspired by the ideology of Inceldom, like I did, then here’s my amateur takeaway after 30 minutes of research:

“Incel” is a portmanteau for “involuntary celibate,” but it refers to a subculture of self-described subhumans who are much more—or worse—than fruitless virgins and victims of sexual megadroughts. They’re the pessimistic predators who, upon realizing their dicks are trapped in a Dust Bowl, become sinisterly bitter and vindictive toward women and let their blue balls spiral into grapes of wrath.

Like misogynistic hybrids of mice and men, these unwashed rodents scurry into online forums to commiserate with each other while attempting to justify their collective disdain for the “Stacys” and “Beckys” who refuse to fuck or date them (all women).

“My hatred and rage towards all women festered inside me like a plague. Their very existence is the cause of all of my torture, pain and suffering throughout my life…”

Fortunately, only a very small, maniacal minority of them actually resort to murder, sexual assault, or, for that matter, any type of contact (including eye contact) with women. Most of them, on the other hand, attempt to cope with their struggles (many of which are self-inflicted) from the comfort of their own basements and attics by indulging in impressively pathetic pity parties on Reddit.

Take the most gameless gamer at any given Game Stop, divide his social skills by six, multiply his sexism by seven, and you’ll have the average, modern-day incel. If a sentient bottle of Mountain Lightning filled with week-old urine impregnated a ham and cheese hot pocket (or Lena Dunham), the end result would be a mid-tier incel. If a rabid raccoon went on a Minecraft bender and then que- nevermind.

Take a look at this modern marvel of human linguistics. An uncontaminated adult mind would probably decipher those words with the same success as a toddler reading Moby Dick or Floyd Mayweather reading Goodnight Moon. This man voluntarily typed out the words “hoardes of currycels and white manlets” and proceeded to insult an activity known as “foid sports” with phrases like “ultimate cuckery.” Imagine coming out of a twenty-year coma and browsing these incel threads for the first time. Now imagine just simply browsing these incel threads for the first time. There’s no difference.

Chad Accounts

One of the hippest trends within the Incel community, at the moment, is the use of the popular dating app Tinder. That makes sense, right? Why wouldn’t they use the oldest, new trick in the book for combating sex deprivation? Well…they don’t use it in a conventional manner but instead:

From the dark depths of their childhood bedroom closets, these crafty critters obsess over the physique, bone structure, and facial features of “Chads,” their attractive, sexually active male counterparts. They spend hours scouring the internet for the perfect Chad to use for their fake Tinder profiles: the optimal frame, the ideal jawline, the *kisses fingers like some type of deranged, cannibalistic chef* the most dazzling hunter eyes.

They pretend to be enraged by the fact that these chiseled chadwicks are stealing all the available women from their ugly, genetically inferior selves and ruining their chances of ever achieving consensual female contact. In reality, they have no real desire to actually be with a woman; they’re just in denial that their social ineptitude and abhorrent personalities are what’s really preventing them from attracting others in their dating pool. Also, many of them are in denial that they’re, well…

Undeniably gay.

“When I see a pretty girl walking down the street, I think two things. One part wants to be real nice and sweet, and the other part wonders what her head would look like on a stick” – Ed Gein

I don’t know about you guys, but I think that some of these incels should be in cells.

I’m talking about jail cells, folks.