Punxsutawney Phil Shoves His Shadow And Old Man Winter In A Locker By Declaring It Will Be An Early Spring

PHILIP YOU BEAUTIFUL SON OF A BITCH! I COULD SUCK YOUR LITTLE GROUNDHOG DICK RIGHT NOW. I WILL GOBBLE THAT KNOB RIGHT THIS SECOND. The Polar Vortex may have a big bad name, but it ain’t got shit on the mythical powers of Punxsutawney Phil.

What a scene that was too. Hundreds of people screaming “Early Spring” like it was an ECW chant. Pure electricity. I’m not sure how this will all work out because Groundhog Day is always during Super Bowl Week, but we need to get Caleb and Rone or someone else at Barstool with that type of mind down to Punxsutawney next year. Or maybe the Call Her Daddy girls can go down there and blow some conservative Pennsylvanian peoples’ minds. No matter who covers it, this group of misfits needs to have a Barstool doc done about them because there is plenty of #content to be had. Every single person in this picture watching a groundhog predict the weather by literally doing nothing as a bunch of creeps in top hats hold him has to be drunk or super duper weird.

But lets not lose sight of the true story here. Winter is going. I can already see the first day of sundresses in the city in my mind’s eye. Shout out P Phil (not to be confused with Playoff P) for helping out humanity today.

And that was your Clem-U-Weather Forecast.

Obligatory nod to an all-time great cult classic.