DMX Delivered A Sermon In A Hotel Hallway Last Night: "I'll Fuck You Up In The Name Of Jesus"

PREACH DMX! PREACH!

God damn. DMX is fresh outta jail and already out there preaching the word of God to anyone who will listen. Looks like he showed up to a random hotel party in the middle of nowhere, found the first group of people he saw and just started talking/yelling/barking at them.

This is how I imagine that scenario going down

Setting: random hotel party in the middle of nowhere

Dialogue

3 guys drinking in hallway:

DMX:

3 guys drinking in hallway:

DMX:

3 guys drinking in hallway:

DMX: I’LL FUCK YOU UP IN THE NAME OF JESUS

I haven’t felt that close to God in a very long time. If I remember correctly, there was video of DMX before he went to jail doing something similar at an airport Applebees. He was just screaming about God to anyone who would listen. I remember saying I would join DMX’s church and I still feel that way today. Regular church is sooooooooooooooo boring. Stand up, sit down, kneel, stand up, sit down, kneel, stand up, hum and pretend you know the words, body of Christ blah blah blah. No thanks. But a pastor standing up and yelling, “I’LL FUCK YOU UP IN THE NAME OF JESUS”? Where do I sign?

Remember that stretch where Bill Murray would magically appear everywhere? It seemed like he was at every bachelor party, every wedding and every dive bar all at once. Videos would come out of him taking shots with a bunch of bros or dancing with the bride and eating cake. It was crazy. Well I hope that’s the space DMX starts to occupy now that he’s out of jail. I need videos of him popping up preaching the word of God all over the place. I basically want him to become a street preacher because he’d be awesome at it. DMX is #1 on the list of People Whose Voice Instantly Demands Attention.