I Am Sick And Goddamn Tired Of Peanut Butter That Is Straight Liquid At The Top

runny-peanutbutter

By now everybody is well aware that I’m the biggest Peanut Butter & Jelly advocate on the internet. Everywhere I go people are always like, “hey look! There’s PB&J Guy! What did you have for lunch today, PB&J Guy? Let me guess–was it a peanut butter & jelly?”

We share some laughs, we swap some recipes, and we go on about the rest of our days. It’s nice. But unfortunately, the life of being PB&J Guy ain’t always about the glitz and the glam. Sometimes this world of Peanut Butter gets ugly. And that’s what I’m here to talk about today.

It all starts off with the fact that the nearest grocery store to my apartment is a Whole Foods. Now I don’t shop at Whole Foods because I’m rich and pretentious and care about where my food comes from. Quite the opposite, actually. I shop there because I did the math in my head and even though Whole Foods is expensive and filled with some of the worst people, the convenience of having it right down the street outweighs all oof that. So really it boils down to me being lazy as the main reason for shopping at Whole Foods.

But the thing about Whole Foods is that a lot of their products are actually quite bad. And mainly their peanut butter selection. Because you can’t go in there to pick up a jar of Jif. You’re not finding Skippy on the shelves. Heck, you can’t even get Peter Pan if you wanted to. Instead, you’re stuck either spending $50 for a little jar of artisanal peanut butter or you’re getting that Everyday Value 365 brand. Regardless, the peanut butter you purchase from Whole Foods is going to be runny as shit. And that is a massive issue.

You see, the thing is that peanut butter is supposed to be sticky as shit. When you bite into a pb&j sandwich, realistically you shouldn’t even be able to open your mouth for the next 10-15 seconds because it’s being glued shut by the peanut butter. Doesn’t matter if you prefer creamy or chunky. The overall consistency of peanut butter should be sticky as shit. But the way they make peanut butter these days, it’s almost like you could drink it through a straw. It’s a catastrophe at worst, and at the very least it is false advertising by these peanut butter brands. I purchased peanut BUTTER, not peanut SOUP.

And the worst part of all is that in order for this peanut butter to even be edible, you need to churn it. I’m over here trying to make a peanut butter & jelly sandwich for a quick little lunch, next think you know I’m stirring a knife into this peanut butter for goddamn half an hour. And even once you get it churned, it’s still not thick enough. It’s splashing out of the jar. It’s spilling out of the sides of your sandwich. It’s making a mess everywhere. So now you’ve got peanut oil all over the kitchen and I don’t know if you know this about oil or not, but it’s not necessarily the easiest thing in the world to clean up.

All I’m saying is that I don’t like the road that the peanut butter industry is going down. I don’t care if the reason why peanut butter is oily is at the top is because it’s actually healthier and made without a ton of additives. It’s simply not peanut butter at that point, and I’m sick of it.

@BarstoolJordie