I Don't Care About The New Razr, You Lose Friends When You Have Green Text Bubbles

This has been the news of the last two days. Motorola announced their new Razr yesterday and unveiled it today to seemingly warm reception. Our social media buffoons are tweeting that it’s gonna put Apple out of business and Kevin said he’d pay 20,000 for one, or something like that, on the rundown yesterday.

Guess what? You’re not gonna get a Razr, so shut the hell up. Motorola is trying to make it exclusive by manufacturing a limited number and pricing it at $1,500, but the fact of the matter is none of that matters. You will not beat Apple. You, dear reader, will not be buying a Razr even if it admittedly looks cool and has some wild screen that can bend.

The reason you’re not going to do that is simple: blue text bubbles are king, everything else comes second. You do’t maintain relationships with people with green, puke colored text bubbles. Those people aren’t included in the group chats and you inevitably stop keeping in contact with them. They’re, quite literally, cast out of society.

Every year there is some hot new phone that makes me think, “Whoa, that’s pretty cool. I think I’d like that,” but then I remember iMessaging and don’t switch phones. Every iPhone release Android people scream, “We already had 7 megapixel cameras, years ago! We had big screens!” as if any of that matters more than a blue text bubble. Apple is the Patriots, every other phone company is the hot team of the year. Folks will say it’s cool, they’ll declare Apple dead, but when the chips are down the Patriots will win because they have Belichick and Brady while Apple will win because it has blue text bubbles.

I’m sure it will die one day, everything lives forever until it doesn’t. But the aforementioned institutions will not lose until Brady/Belichick retire or until another company strikes a deal to get on iMessaging and get blue text bubbles. It’s quite literally the most important thing in cell phone tech.