Volunteers Needed to Help Shovel The Elderly's Snow In Chicago, But Here's What You Should Do Instead
CHICAGO — My Block, My Hood, My City needs volunteers to help shovel the homes of those in need as the city prepares for weekend snowstorms.
Up to 14 inches of snow could blanket the city during storms that start Friday night and Saturday night. To help those who would struggle to shovel the snow themselves, My Block, My Hood, My City — an organization that serves communities on the South and West sides — is organizing volunteers to head out and shovel.
Participants will meet up to get supplies and the addresses of homes that need help and then will head to those homes to shovel. The group has shovels, salt and gloves for attendees but also asked people to bring what they can.
“Thank you all,” the group wrote on a Facebook event page. “Your support means an easier, stress-free winter season for a lot of our senior citizens.”
Participants will receive free My Block, My Hood, My City hats. Those interested in volunteering can RSVP online and can text “Shovel” to 55222 for more information.
Volunteers will meet at 11 a.m. Saturday at the 79th Street Red Line Station, 15 W. 79th St.
I’m not going to sit here and act like volunteering isn’t great the majority of the time. Firefighters, our military, and myriad other volunteers get an A+ in my book. You’re better people than me. But yeah… I ain’t about to get off my ass and shovel snow for old people tomorrow. Fuck and no. Have you ever shoveled snow? Shit sucks. 99% of heart attacks are induced by snow shoveling, and that’s a published fact. It’s the worst workout ever. If I’m trying to workout I’ll wake up, throw on my Nike Pegasus’ and go for a 15-18 mile run. What I won’t do is shovel snow. I’m not lifting that shit; it’s heavy.
So for those of you whom, like me, have zero intention of shoveling snow for old people tomorrow, here are your three options of how to cope with tomorrow’s expected snow:
Get drunk at home and cook chili
This is your best bet for a perfect day. Unfortunately there isn’t any football on tomorrow, so you’re stuck watching college hoops and that’s it. Notice how I didn’t say the NBA because the NBA completely blows. If college hoops aren’t your thing, might I suggest starting/restarting Game of Thrones?
Saddle up in your sweats, find the ass groove on your couch, and be prepared to limit your movement for the next 12-16 hours.
Also, lucky for you, I’m a great cook and I’m about to supply you with my crock pot recipe for chili. Here are the ingredients:
- 1 pound ground beef
- 1 pound bulk pork sausage
- 2 cans (16 ounces each) kidney beans, rinsed and drained
- 2 cans (15 ounces each) pinto beans, rinsed and drained
- 2 cans (14-1/2 ounces each ) diced tomatoes with mild green chilies, undrained
- 1 can (14-1/2 ounces) diced tomatoes with onions, undrained
- 1 can (12 ounces) beer
- 6 bacon strips, cooked and crumbled
- 1 small onion, chopped
- 1/4 cup chili powder
- 1/4 cup chopped pickled jalapeno slices
- 2 teaspoons ground cumin
- 2 garlic cloves, minced
- 1 teaspoon dried basil
- 3/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
- Shredded cheddar cheese, sour cream and chopped green onions, optional
Yes, that’s just the first option when you google “chili recipes” but I’ve adopted it as my own. All you have to do is brown the meat and mix all the ingredients together in the crock and put it on low for 4 hours. It’s superb.
Then load up on whatever mixer you want and get hammered out of your skull on your couch. Guests are allowed, but not encouraged if this is your plan of attack for the day.
CONTEST: free “Kings of the North” Bears shirt to the first person who tweets me a picture of themselves cooking my chili. This is NOT a joke
Get drunk at an Irish pub/ townie bar
Self explanatory and also the most expensive option. Saddle up at an empty Irish pub or laid back townie bar and get shitfaced and eat fried food all day. The bar will be empty so you’ll get to know the bartender and he/she will toss you rounds on the house from time to time. It’ll seem like you’re not getting that drunk, but the second you step out the door and have a change of scenery you’ll be Terry Schaivo drunk because you were just pounding mixers and Jameson shots for 6 straight hours.
Typically I’d shout out Declan’s here, but this is more than likely gonna be my move tomorrow and don’t want to have to deal with any other assholes so if you had plans to go to Declan’s DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.
Drunk sledding
Self explanatory. It’s an option, but not one I’d recommend. Too much physical work. Remember, the whole point of this is to burn as few calories as possible, and walking uphill is hard as fuck. That and once you get inside you’ll be wet. The only thing worse than physicality is getting wet. Pools and body’s of water in general are the most overrated thing on the planet. That said, if you do choose this option, it’s simple: pack water bottles full of vodka into a backpack with a couple of liters of cola and you are all set.
This is how you do a snow day.
PS – don’t forget to exercise safe sex tomorrow. There’s always a spike in conceptions during blizzards and other storms that keep people shut in for extended amounts of time: