Walk Like An AFTP

Large1/19/2019 2:55 AM

This will be quick.

I read that Susanna Hoffs turned 60 years old yesterday, and she still looks pretty good.

For the uninitiated, Hoffs was the lead singer of an all-girl rock and roll band called The Bangles in the late-80s. The genius about this band was that Hoffs surrounded herself with talented female musicians who couldn’t hold a candle to her physically.

Tough to really appreciate the dichotomy here because they are all dressed like The Golden Girls, but…

… this is The Bangles at a charity event last year.

The one on the right kinda resembles The Undertaker, no?

Some people consider the group a one-hit-wonder because of the huge success of “Walk Like An Egyptian”, but the band also had both critical and commercial success over 3 studio albums with songs like “Going Down to Liverpool”, “In Your Room”, “Manic Monday” (which was written by Prince), “Hazy Shade of Winter”, and “Eternal Flame”… that last song, Hoffs recorded in the nude while in the studio because her producer told her that was how Olivia Newton-John recorded all her hits.

She also formed a faux British 1960s band called Ming Tea with comedian Mike Myers and musician Matthew Sweet in 1992. The group made a number of club and television performances and had a minor hit with the song “BBC”.

Myers’s then-wife Robin Ruzan encouraged him to write a film based on the character. The result was Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery, directed by Hoffs’ husband Jay Roach. Ming Tea performed in all three Austin Powers films.

You may not find Susanna worthy of your viewing time, and you may question my decision to highlight her here today.

I think a modern day comp for her would be an Aubrey Plaza, who I can go either way on, TBH.

But Susanna holds a special place in my heart. You see… And I have never said this before out loud… Susanna Hoffs was the first Jewish broad that I had a crush on. And it was all because of a single eye-scan during the “Walk Like An Egyptian” video where Hoffs was filmed in a close-up as her eyes moved from side to side, looking left and right… And I thought it was the sexiest thing I had ever seen… Even if it was emanating from someone whose people may have killed my savior.

When asked about the scene in an interview, Hoffs explained that she was actually looking at individual audience members during the video shoot, which took place with a live audience. Looking directly at individual audience members was a technique she used to overcome stage fright.

But I envisioned she wasn’t looking at the audience at all… She was looking to make sure none of my anti-Semitic family members/friends were around before she ravaged my doughy 14-year-old body.

And 32 years later, I want to thank her for that ravaging by making her my first Jewish Ass From The Past (JAFTP).