I'm Super Scared Of Demi: The Bachelor Recap Week 2

Ah, a villain is born. I really thought Catherine would be the favorite to take an early villain lead but she got cucked by 23 year old Demi.

Let’s break down last night’s episode. First, I would like to say I think I’m making a gigantic flip on Colton. This might be a premature flip, but they guy is doing all the right things.

ABC pulled out the big guns when it comes to celebrity guests for this one. Megan Mullally and Nick Offerman took over the first group date and Billy Eichner was the star of the second group date. These girls had legit no idea who these people were. No one was excited enough. There were no screams, no excitement, nothing. It seemed like they were looking at the stage like, “huh? who’s that bald man and red head lady?” That’s an injustice.

The first group date was all about “firsts.” However no one actually talked about firsts? The ones they showed all had to do with Colton? Don’t really think that was the point of the assignment, ladies.

Onyeka talks about the thirsty bitches in the house. Catherine claps back at her. It’s crazy that Catherine is completely being overshadowed by Demi. No one cared about this little back and forth with Onyeka and Catherine.

Demi is establishing herself early. She just saunters right off stage and plants one on Colton. Ballsy move girl. That’s putting a target on your back immediately and she gets all the other girls to bite. Tracy is not feeling Demi’s actions. Fast forward to the group date dinner and Demi TOUCHES THE ROSE. Who the fuck do you think you are?!?! Tracy’s reaction is obviously over the top, but I couldn’t be more on her side on this one. You don’t touch the rose. You just don’t. It’s the like spirit stick. Or the Stanley Cup. There are rules, Demi. Chris Harrison should have stormed in immediately and disposed of that tampered rose. Why do I feel like the rose is like the rose in Beauty and the Beast? Like you touch that thing it wilts and dies and you’re all screwed. (I’m worried about myself a little bit after typing that paragraph.)

Live look at Tracy after Demi touched the rose:  

Tracy thinking about Demi:

Tracy is PIISSSSEDDD. Not shocking that there are problems between the older and younger women. The older girls think the young ones are too immature and the young ones think the old ones are old. Which, by the way, is ridiculous. The “older” group is between like 28 and 31. That is NOT OLD. I think Demi called some of them cougars???? NO!!! They are not cougars when Colton is 26. Come on.

Colton proves that the older women don’t intimidate him (lol) by giving the group date rose to Elyse. Sorry Demi!

Every time I watch Colton kiss someone I wonder if it’s a good kiss or not. He has always gotten good reviews but I just want to test it out for myself, ya know?

We’re two weeks in and we already got an instant meme. This will be used for quite some time.

The one on one date:

Hannah B. gets the one on one date and boy, do they have a rough start. ICYMI it was her birthday. Don’t know if she mentioned that or not last night.

Rarely do we see a hot tub date go so poorly. Hannah B. seemed to be in full pageant mode. Fake smile plastered on with zero clue how to have a normal conversation. The poor woman couldn’t even come up with a toast??? Thank god she sort of redeemed herself during the dinner portion of their date. She opened up about, you guessed it, virginity. She also discusses never feeling good enough, which I think every woman can relate to. Especially in the pageant world where you are constantly being judged. There has got to be some serious history between Hannah B. and Caelynn which I’m sure will heat up. It’s only a matter of time before one of them tries to snitch to Colton. I still have them locked in for the 2 on 1 but Tracy vs. Demi seems to be picking up steam quickly.

There was an incredible moment where ABC killed the background music and just had silence while Hannah B. tried to pick an eyelash or eye booger or something off Colton’s face. She was really digging in there. “Make a wish Colton! Hahahaha! I’m adorable!”

Second group date:

Billy Eichner deserves to be in every episode. He would provide amazing color commentary. He also joked about Colton being gay and we got a very uncomfortable laugh from Colton and my favorite tweets of the night.

They’re outdoors at a camp, doing some classic camp games to win the night portion of the date. The red team wins, so sadly, tutus and all, the yellow team is sent home early.

The highlight of the night is Heather’s time with Colton. She tells him she’s never been kissed while giving him some hair flips and the biggest doe eyes that are screaming KISS ME COLTON KISS ME. They have this very awkward hand holding moment…and no kiss. Heather seems so sweet but I cringe thinking that she is going to have her first kiss on this show. My face is squished just thinking about it.

Heather secures the group date rose! Finally Colton found someone that is more inexperienced than he is. He had to lock that up right away.

Meanwhile back at the house Hannah B. is talking shit about Caelynn. Hannah B. says there is not ONE PERSON IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD that she has a problem with, except for Caelynn. Okay, girl. Sure. ABC flips to Caelynn on the group date telling Colton how amazing all the girls are in the house. Smart girl. Caelynn i above snitching (for now). We all know that nothing good ever comes for the snitches on this show and I think Hannah B. is going to crack first when it comes to discussing their pageant history.

Cocktail party:

We go to Onyeka getting in some more shit. She interrupts Sydney with a horn, Sydney interrupts her with multiple pots and pans. Loud and annoying. That’s really all I have to say about that.

Robe-wearing Demi brings Colton upstairs for a little massage. That massage looked horrible and Colton looked super uncomfortable. Tracy cries. Get it together Tracy! Demi owns all the real estate in Tracy’s mind. Demi’s laugh behind her teeth is going to haunt my dreams. Demi is the little girl on the playground that pulls your hair and pushes you and then runs to the teacher crying saying it was all your fault.

Elyse is getting a lot of shit for saying “paper rock scissors” instead of “rock paper scissors.” That is completely fair. You say one well known thing wrong, you are going to get every Bachelor live tweeter putting it out there.

Tracy snags the last rose of the night, continuing the Tracy and Demi saga. We lost four girls last night, Alex B., Angelique, Annie, and McNutt.  I NEED JUSTICE FOR ALEX B!!! She did not get nearly enough air time. I hope she is sent to Paradise she deserves redemption. Her cocktail dress alone last night should secure her a spot in Paradise. I also lost one from my top 5 guesses on week 2…so yikes.

Final thoughts:

Cassie and Bri seem to be playing the long game. I respect that. We are seeing nothing from them, so I hope that means they go the distance.

Caitlin is THE SAME PERSON as Ashley from Entourage. Long lost twins status.

And congrats to Colton for securing the @colton handle on Twitter. First name only dominance. I tweeted that I’ve always wanted to be @francesca and she replied and absolutely flamed me.

See you all next week!