Watching Video Of The Tappan Zee Getting Destroyed By Explosives And Plunging Into The Hudson Is Chicken Soup For The New Yorker's Soul
Ding dong the bitch is dead and its corpse is floating in the Hudson like an outed mob informant! What a glorious video that was. I’d put it up there with the helmet catch and the Tommy Cheeseballs episode of True Life in the Hall of Fame videos for people that live in the Tri-State Area. Watching giant structures get blown up is cool, but watching giant shitty structures that everybody in a 200 mile radius hated is muchhhh better. Anybody that ever was stuck in that never-ending Tappan Zee traffic knows just how hopeless it was taking your life into your hands and crossing that bridge. Usually a bumper-to-bumper grind like the ones experienced on the Tap are enough to bleed a man’s soul from his body. But when you add in that the Tap was not supposed to last as long or handle the amount of cars that it did, to the point it was known to people in the governor’s office as a “hold-your-breath bridge”, you not only thought about ending your life in the gridlock but also may lose your life because the bridge would fall into the Hudson on it’s own along with you and everyone you were driving with. Instead it took a plunge into the Hudson on it’s own after being blown the fuck up. Smell ya later Tap!
Now lets take an updated look at my Lower New York Bridge Power Rankings.
1. Brooklyn Bridge: GOAT.
2. Whitestone Bridge: A surprisingly painless way to get to Mets games.
3. Verrazano Bridge: A++++ name.
4. Macombs Dam Bridge A+ name.
5(t). Triborough Bridge: Fantastic view of the city and I feel like I would’ve loved Bobby Kennedy. But I refuse to call the Triborough the RFK Bridge.
5(t). 59th Street Bridge: A great bridge that is usually a pleasure to drive over and reminds me of my glory days living in Astoria. But changing its name to the Ed Koch Queensboro Bridge prevents it from being any higher. It will always be the 59th Street Bridge just like the RFK Bridge will always be the Triborough. If you stand for nothing, you will fall for anything. Or something like that.
3rd to last. Kosciuszko Bridge: F’d up name and usually filled to the brim as you likely make your way to some hipster location.
2nd to last. George Washington Bridge: For reasons above. I don’t understand why we name commuting nightmares like the George Washington Bridge and FDR Drive after great Presidents. It sullies their good name like Omar did Marlo. Name that shit after whatever corporate brand is the highest bidder and make the city some money. Name stuff like stadiums and parks after great Presidents. Boom, two birds one stone.
Dead last. Tappan Zee Bridge: The. Worst.
1/15/19 UPDATE: And now very much dead. Fuck you, Tappy!
Also Receiving Votes: The new Tappan Zee Bridge. I hate it’s guts simply because of it’s name and location, but it’s definitely better than the old Tappan Zee Bridge. I still hate it though, likely will be in the Bottom 3 of the next bridge rankings now that the old Tap is muerte.
New York City Bridge Power Rankings (Non-Commuting Class):
1. Shea Bridge: Name another bridge that in a few short strides can lead you toward a shit ton of good food, a wiffle ball field, and a dunk tank that kind of sucks because there is no water in it. You can’t.
Mario Kart Bridges:
1. Bridge At The End Of DK Jungle Parkway: Bananas are usually the thinking man’s weapon in Mario Kart, but that goes to a whole new level on DK Jungle Parkway. Loading that bridge up with nanners is sometimes the only thing that can stop you from coming out on the losing side of a furious finish in the cave and last few feet of track in a world class Mario Kart board.
