Guy Tells His Neighbors He's Gonna Kill Them With Kindness Then Tries To Kill Them With A Machete He Named "Kindness"

MILTON, FLA. —  A Florida man threatened to kill someone with kindness, then stabbed a neighbor with a machete with the word “kindness” written on it, investigators said. A neighbor heard yelling at Bryan Stewart’s house around midnight Sunday and approached the house to tell him to be quiet, the Pensacola News Journal reported. Another neighbor, the victim, had also heard noise and was at the house when Stewart came out of the house with his arm raised, holding the machete. The victim raised his arm and stepped in front of the blade, suffering a half-inch abrasion to his left hand, the News Journal reported.

Spot the lie, you can’t because there isn’t one. All I see in that mug shot is a man of his word. He said he was gonna kill his neighbors with kindness and then tried to murder them dead with a weapon he named Kindness. It’s not his fault his neighbors didn’t understand what he meant. The red flag for me isn’t that he tried to kill his neighbors, people try to kill their neighbors all the time. The red flag for me is that he used a machete. If he had named his gun Kindness and tried to shoot one of his neighbors, fine, this is American after all but who the fuck uses a machete as their go-to murder weapon? You gotta be a real sick fuck to do that. Machetes/knives are so personal. You really gotta get close to someone to inflict pain with a machete. If I were going to try and kill one of my neighbors Id most definitely go the gun route.

By the way, this is one of those stories where we should all drop to our knees and thank god the internet exists. Think about it. Without the internet, most of the world would have no idea this even happened. It would be nothing more than a local Florida story for Floridians to laugh at. Instead there’s a thing called the World Wide Web that allows the entire world to laugh. That’s pretty amazing. Shout out to Al Gore.

PS- Kinda related but not really, I finally watched the movie Neighbors over the weekend and enjoyed it immensely. Seth Rogen’s humor just touches me in the right places.