A Recap of Patriots Haters Choking on Their Words

It’s a New England January Tradition unlike any other. As late Broadway producer David Merrick said about the keys to real happiness in one of my favorite quotes of all time, “It’s not enough that I succeed. Others must also fail.”

And fail they have. Max Kellerman. Shannon Sharpe. Rob Parker. Just to name a few of the national guys. Ben Volin carved the Patriots up in a hatchet piece that has mysteriously disappeared from the Globe’s website, though my man Ben claims it’s only a technical glitch and their best IT minds are working feverishly to bring it back. (I’m not holding my breath.)

Like I said, it’s an annual event around here the first month of every year. Like leaving your Christmas decorations up, MBTA workers banging in sick or leaving a chair to mark the parking spot you shoveled out. It just wouldn’t be January without the Patriots forcing the words of their biggest critics back down their throats.

So let’s review:

–Cliff Kellerman says Tom Brady didn’t really play well. That guys were open by 10 yards, he wasn’t throwing into tight windows and anyone could’ve completed all those passes. Ignoring the fact that guys were often barely open, Brady was lasering passes through dollhouse windows and if “anyone” could’ve made those throws, everyone would.

–Sharpe (fast forward to about the 2:30 mark. Or better yet, skip it. Every syllable he manages to spit out kills the neural connections between the synapses in the brain) argues Brady was just dinking and dunking because 87 percent of his passes traveled less than 10 yards. Begging the question of whether those yards count. And again, why everyone doesn’t just do that. And also, whether it’s possible for Brady to simply dink without also immediately dunking.

–Parker argued in the middle of the game that it was all the running game. While Brady was putting up 200 yards in the 1st half. We haven’t heard from Parker since, but we;ll always have this little fucking gem:

Meanwhile, the guy who now has as many postseason wins as Peyton Manning and John Elway combined, while having half as many postseason losses as those two, passed on the chance to say he was making them eat the foul regurgitated, undigested slop of their own words. Instead, he gave us his life’s philosophy in four words:

Instead, he let one of his all time best teammates say it for him:

And this is with plenty of pundits, columnists, opponents and talk show hosts still to be heard from. It’s all a reminder that nothing tastes as good this time of year than haters’ words. And there’s no better way to wash them down with tears of unfathomable sadness.