I am probably going to sue Gerry Cooney.

Large1/15/2019 1:04 PM

“Who’s Gerry Cooney, Large?”

Well, I’ll tell you, person-who-knows-nothing-about-boxing… The “Gentleman” Gerry Cooney is a former heavyweight boxer who retired in 1990 with a record of 28-3… Those 3 losses coming against a handful of nobodies named Larry Holmes, Michael Spinks, and George Foreman.

The bulk of Cooney’s career was fought in the late 70s. He is now 62 years old and co-hosts “At The Fights” which airs Friday nights on SiriusXM Fight Nation channel 93.

He’s a 6’6″ lefty that fought with an orthodox stance and was known for his devastating left hook that he liked to throw downstairs. He is ranked number 53 on The Ring’s list of “100 Greatest Punchers of All Time”.

“What’s an ‘orthodox stance’, Large?”

Well… It’s another term for fighting right-handed, whereas lefty fighters are called “southpaws”.

I mentioned Gerry’s 3 losses which came at the hands of high-profile opponents, so to be fair, here’s a clip of his most impressive win. A first-round knockout vs Ken Norton in May of 1981. The footage is grainy because I am very old, but it is over in only 54 seconds.

Mr. Cooney is currently promoting a new book that details his battles with addiction, and one of his stops along the way is Barstool Breakfast this Friday.

“What’s Barstool Breakfast, Large?”

Well, now you’re just being an asshole.

Normally, when a guest comes on the show, it is set up and handled through one of the booking agents on the second floor. One of those professionals, Kelly, recently found out about my love for boxing, so with her connections, I have been lucky enough to have interviewed Vasyl Lomachenko and Bernard Hopkins in the past couple of weeks, as well as George St-Pierre and Matt Mitrione solely on the merit of MMA being close to the same animal as the sweet science.

This time, however, I drove the bus on getting Gerry in the studio because I have been a fan of him for over 40 years. You see, Cooney worked as an apprentice for the Ironworking gang my dad ran back in the 70s, so my older brother and I were lucky enough to have been invited to watch him work out on a couple of occasions at either Gleason’s Gym in scenic Brooklyn or The Host Farms out in Lancaster, PA.

Here’s a picture of me and Gerry in 1979.

So it was I that reached out to Cooney’s camp to see if he’d come into the show and chat about his life. His manager was very gracious in accepting my invite, and everything seemed smooth.

Until I get this on Twitter over the weekend…

Is this sonofabitch calling me out?

I am not sure why… Maybe I am just punchable af… But for some reason, whenever I get a fighter in the studio, they like to smack me around.

Exhibit #1- Here’s a shot of me and “The Executioner” after our interview a couple of weeks ago.

Obviously, this picture shows just how effective my jab can be, even against a polished veteran like B-Hop. But after a couple minutes of me DOMINATING Hopkins in our impromptu sparring session, Bernard did manage to get inside and work my considerable midsection. I blame my lack of conditioning.

I have no footage, but I sustained similar injuries/humiliation in Would-be Exhibit #2- when Matt Mitrione punched me in my doughy belly while demonstrating his technique inside the octagon.

Matt did all this while an equally doughy Clem sat there innocently pondering the fact Matt Mitrione and Mike McCarthy both have the same initials as his favorite candy.

Historic Exhibit #3- Ray Bourque beat me up in his restaurant Tresca back in the early 2000s. A story I have told many times before, but that emotional wound is still fresh… As evidenced by the fact I am unable to maintain an erection if I am ever in the vicinity of a veal chop.

Exhibit #4- Vasyl Lomachenko is widely considered the best pound-for-pound fighter alive, and yet this security footage shows how he still needed to flex a little muscle by smacking my gut like a baby’s ass.

It’s not innocent horseplay either. These guys must smell the pungent mixture of fear, alcohol, and cholesterol on me, and they can’t help but give me the business a little. They never touch Willie Colon (for obvious reasons), and they can tell Francis’ family knows many many lawyers, so they come straight for the fat bald guy, and I think I am done with it.

I get it… I sometimes have a smart mouth. But that doesn’t give these brutes the excuse to bat me around like a baby seal.

I am 47 years old, but still able to dunk on what is obviously a 10-foot hoop in my parent’s backyard in the aforementioned scenic Brooklyn last weekend, so it’s not like I am without athletic skill.

Link to Large throwing down a fucking MONSTER dunk

If you slow down that video near the end, you get a nice shot of my post-Christmas pendulous gut… Drip drip, you thirsty PAWGs.

Regardless, I am not taking it anymore, and I am going to have every camera Barstool owns keenly focused on Gerry this Friday. I am actually inviting my dad to come up that morning… Not for nostalgia, but for a corroborating testimony… My dad, Za, and I will be patiently waiting for Cooney to slip up and attack me.

And when he does, I am going to have one of Francis’ lawyers help me take that bully for every fucking penny he has.

Cooney’s book is called Gentleman Gerry: A Contender in the Ring, a Champion in Recovery, and it is available now. I read an advance copy, and it’s quite good. I normally wouldn’t care if his book sold a single copy, but I urge you all to buy one wherever books are sold because after Friday (and if my plan goes correctly) Uncle Large is going to make a boatload off of it.