A Tale Of 23 Year Olds And Sequins: 'The Bachelor' Night One Recap

We are back. Last night kicked off Colton’s season of The Bachelor and TBH, kind of a snooze fest night one. I’m assuming ABC knew how boring the episode was so they decided to have all these random watch parties live across the country. Kaitlyn Bristowe and JoJo Fletcher in Dallas, Texas. These two are a great combo, I don’t know what else they should be doing together but they should be doing something. And they got to hang out with Chris Harrison’s mom. A true blessing.

Ashley I. and Jared Haibon in Park City, Utah. Jason Tartick and Blake (last name? I just realized I have no idea what his last name is) in Lansing, Michigan! Krystal and Goose in a hot tub in the parking lot of the studio in L.A.! We cut to these pairings throughout the night, had multiple cameos from other contestants in these locations and in the live studio audience. We saw Alexis, Annaliese, Kendall, Sienne, Wells, Nick, Sarah, Tenley (throwback), Ben Higgins, Courtney and Lily, and Garrett and Becca. Colton and Bri made separate appearances on the live show with Chris Harrison.

We had an adorable Bachelor Babies segment featuring children from Jason and Molly, Chris and Desiree, Evan and Carly, JP and Ashley, Jade and Tanner, and Ryan and Trista. Lots of adorable children and babies. Ryan and Trista’s kids were hilarious. They seem to live a totally normal life and think it’s a little strange their parents met on TV. Good for you kids.

A dumb appearance from Arie and Lauren since they are expecting…don’t really have anything else to say about that. Would love to have them not on my TV.

There was one family with bachelor babies missing though…the Lowes? Sean and Catherine?? Where were you guys? They are still some of my favorite follows on Instagram they have the fricken cutest boys ever. I missed them.

There were also two LIVE PROPOSALS FROM NORMAL CIVILIANS at the watch party. Not just one, but TWO. One in Park City and one in Lansing. Oy. Just kill me right there if my boyfriend proposes during a Bachelor watch party. I actually yelled, “NOOOO!!!” at my TV after the man of the Park City couple said they first told each other they loved each other after an episode of The Bachelor. Real feelings of love after watching an episode of this show??? This show really does it all. After the proposal in Lansing, Chris Harrison mentioned the ring looked like a Neil Lane original…and then camera pan to the man himself! I hope these live proposals at least got a free ring out of it. That seems to be a good reason to propose during The Bachelor premiere live watch parties.

The cherry on top of the live show was the Chris Harrison montage. Trent blogged about it here. No one hustles like Chris Harrison. That man will go down as a TV host legend. The best of the best.

ACTUAL NIGHT ONE:

Right off the bat we met eight of the women vying for Colton’s love. These lucky ladies get the introduction video production package. Not everyone is lucky enough to get theirs aired on TV, and these ladies are the ones we remember the most. Cassie, a 23 year old speech pathologist from California  is the first, and an early favorite. Hannah B., Katie, Heather, Onye, Nicole, Kirpa, and Demi all follow Cassie.

And then BAM…Colton shirtless. Colton in the shower. Rinse. Repeat. Shower scenes seem to be HIGH this season. Everyone’s wet for Colton, even Colton.

I think the best way for me to go through these ladies is one by one after their limo entrances. I tried to keep tally of how many virgin jokes out of the limo because I believe I had set the over/under at six. This may also be the best looking cast ever? Keep in mind basically all of these women are between the ages of 22 and 26. Mind blowing. Here we go:

Demi

We met Demi during her intro package. She has never been in a serious relationship. At first I thought, “Oh poor Demi no serious relationship!” Then I remembered that she is 23 years old. 23. It is perfectly normal to have never been in a serious relationship by the age of 23. These girls are so young, God help us. Demi has also lived with her dad for most of her life because…*drum roll*….her mom is in jail! Federal prison! Embezzlement! But don’t worry guys she’s getting out soon just in time to meet Colton. I’m assuming Demi will have a nice run on the show solely for that fact. Demi’s mom released from prison and reunited with her daughter and her new boyfriend that is dating many other women on TV for millions to watch. Gold.

We also immediately got a virgin joke from Demi. So that’s one! She hit him with “I have not dated a virgin since I was 12.” Okay Demi. Weird flex but ok.

Count: 1

Tayshia

Decent limo entrance. She’s one of the older women of the group…at 28 years old. LOL. She seems like she has her shit together, a real career, and she is gorgeous.

Heather

Heather is 22 years old and has never been kissed. I’m a little confused by this? Heather seems adorable? What’s the deal here? Is there some underlying crazy we are waiting to be released? Heather also tells Colton he is “incredibly rare.” Heather has been searching for a hot virgin.

Nicole

She speaks Spanish out of the limo. Smart move. If I was fluent in a different language (that sounded sexy) I would pull that out for the limo entrance. Maybe say something a little scandalous!

Caelynn

Enter Miss North Carolina! Sash and all! One side says Miss NC, one side says Mrs. Underwood. Very pageanty. Caelynn was the runner up in the Miss USA pageant so girl knows how to fake it with the best of them. Flash that megawatt smile, while on the inside wanting to rip every girl’s head off.

Sydney

She quit her job as a NBA dancer to meet Colton. I’ve always felt telling the man you’re about to date you quit your job for him is a little aggressive. That will scare him away real quick. I know this is a show blah blah but no guy wants to hear, “I QUIT MY JOB FOR YOU,” the second you meet each other no matter where it happens.

Elyse

Elyse is an adorable red head who probably stands no chance. It’s actually insane that at 31 years old I’m like ehhh idk probably not going to work out for her. Colton is sooooo young and inexperienced (ha ha virgin joke) I don’t know if he can handle some of these women who are ya know, actual grown women.

Tahzjuan

She jokes about her name and makes an I’m the “one” for you pun with her name. Not enough to make an impact.

Cassie

This girl is a literal ray of sunshine. Human sunshine. She brings a box of butterflies out for Colton and I don’t even care how silly that is because I couldn’t stop staring at her face. She also went against the grain with her dress choice. It was pretty, but definitely more of a summer barbecue dress than a night one at the bachelor mansion dress. Probably a smart move though because it makes her stand out, while every other girl is vomiting sequins and sparkles.

Kirpa

See vomiting sequins comment.

Caitlin

Caitlin from Canada not to be confused with the OG Kaitlyn from Canada. These two actually kind of look alike??? That makes me love her right away. Virgin joke entrance count is now at two after she makes a pop your cherry joke with a balloon, except it was an apple shaped balloon. The store must have ran out of cherry balloons so she said fuck it give me the apple.

Count: 2

Courtney

She’s from Georgia, therefore makes Georgia peach joke. Calls herself a Georgia peach and then makes him take a bite of an actual peach. Does this count as a virgin joke? Is it just more of a sex joke? “Take a bite of my peach, Colton.” Yeah, I’ll count that as a virgin joke.

Count: 3

Katie

Alright we’re cooking with fire now! Another virgin joke! Katie brings a deck of cards with her for a card trick that reveals….a V card. Let’s go.

Count: 4

Alex D.

Ah the sloth. Poor sloth girl. Probably a cute idea in her head but the actual execution? Doesn’t look good. Actually becomes super annoying to listen to someone talk that slow. But we get our 5th virgin joke since Alex tells Colton she heard he takes things slowly.

Side note: we had a few people message CITO and tell us that producers made her wear the sloth costume, in which case, she deserves a redo. Pack your bags, Alex, you’re going to Paradise!

Count: 5

Onyekachukwu

Onye hits Colton with her full name out of the limo. Very smart. She will be remembered in his mind as the girl with the impossible name. Be memorable they say!

Erika

Ohhhh Erika. She brings a bag of nuts because her last name is McNut. McNutt? Idk. Regardless of spelling she tells Colton her friends call her Nut, Nutty, etc. Could be a cute nickname outside of the Bachelor world, but inside? Nuts is the last thing you want to be called. She will be a great Paradise member.

P.S. Is it just me or does Nutty have a striking resemblance to Malin Akerman?

Hannah B.

Roll tide!! I don’t know why I get irrationally angry when “roll tide” is used in normal conversation but here I am. Hannah B. is Miss Alabama and competed against Caelynn in Miss USA. We now have pre-existing girl drama before the show even begins. A new factor to throw into the mix. Feel like there’s going to be a lot of, “well she said….” during this season.

Tracy

She rolls up in cop car because she is a stylist and therefore, the fashion police. Because duh. Oh honey. I cringe. She also left him with some handcuffs and Colton actually said, “I’ll save these for the fantasy suite.” Hahahahaha okay Colton. Sure ya will.

Angelique

Has Angelique ever watched the show before? She thinks Colton will remember her by the glitter left behind by her dress. Meanwhile the mansion is already coated in glitter.

Devin

She actually gets no intro. Bad edit for Devin. Also in sparkles, we get to hear her say she’s so happy Colton is the bachelor and then that’s it.

Revian

She speaks Mandarin to Colton and tells him he’s a stud muffin.

Nina

She speaks Croatian to Colton. At this point I take back the thought that I would speak a different language if I could on this show. Nicole thought she was unique but then we got Mandarin and Croatian thrown in. Just when you think you’re doing something different on this show it comes back to bite ya in the ass.

Alex. B

We have kind of a cute Love, Actually entrance here. She wrote her intro on giant poster board because she’s sick and can’t speak. Oh the mystery. She’s also drop dead gorgeous so we have like a Little Mermaid situation going on. Will Prince Colton fall for the beautiful girl who can’t say a word? Colton instantly seems interested. Is she actually sick? Hmm…that would be a strategy.

Bri

The moment we’ve all been waiting for. Fake Australian accent girl. Doesn’t really stand out as much after all the different languages. We also got robbed by ABC and didn’t get to see any conversation between Bri and Colton at the cocktail party. Did she reveal her true voice?!? It seems like she went back to her real voice during the rose ceremony.

Laura

Ah poor Laura wore the same red dress as Heather. Brutal. I feel like the producers should give the girls a heads up on this one. That’s just straight up mean.

Hannah G.

She brings Colton and empty box and says its his favorite brand of underwear. The joke is that he doesn’t wear underwear. As a “content creator,” Hannah G. will thrive in the Bachelor universe. Instagram deals up the ass.

Annie

We don’t get to see much of Annie either, except she seems to answer some football trivia? Sports gal!

Jane

Not gonna lie, Jane sounds a little drunk getting out of the limo. She photoshopped a picture of their dogs together. “We’re like one big happy family! Haaahahaha!”

Catherine

Corinne 2.0. Catherine brought her dog Lucy with her and just hands her over to Colton. Securing more time with him instead so he can return her dog, her keep her, whatever.

Erin

Big time Cinderella entrance. Horse and carriage and everything. Even leaves her shoe behind for Colton. I loled at the other girls watching and McNutt going, “I really could have done a lot more than a bag of nuts.” You stick to your gut, Nutty.

Erin’s occupation actually says Cinderella and we really didn’t get any other explanation. Was it just for the entrance? I need answers, Erin.

Cocktail party:

Demi stays #1 and pulls him aside first. She also announces she’s a kitty cat girl. I am now done with Demi.

McNutt doesn’t beat around the bush and immediately asks Colton why he’s still a virgin. Did she not watch The Bachelorette? BIP? We’ve heard the explanation a million times.

Colton telling Hannah G. that playing in the NFL and being the Bachelor are very similar is too good. Juggling women is just like studying those Xs and Os.

First kiss of the night goes to….Caelynn! She also tells us she is from VA but has lived in NC for the last year. And she gets to be Miss NC? I really have no idea how pagaents work but that doesn’t seem right. There should be some kind of rule for how long you have to live somewhere before you can represent them as Miss whatever.

We get a few more grand gestures from the girls, ballroom dancing from Sydney and a mini carnival from Tayshia, but finally there is the big reveal. Alex D. takes off the sloth head. And she’s cute!

The only real drama we get from the girls night one is with Catherine. She steals Colton away multiple times, and seems to talk to him four separate times. Nothing grinds these girls gears like stealing time with the bachelor. If one girl doesn’t say, “I’ve been waiting ALL night to talk to him and SHE GRABBED HIM AGAIN?!” night one really isn’t whole.

Second kiss of the night goes to Katie. Proud of you Colton. Two kisses night one is very respectable, and kind of boring.

The first impression rose goes to Hannah G, they share a kiss. This girl is stunning. I don’t want to toot my own horn but I was like Nostradamus last night. My roommate was actually getting annoyed with me that I was predicting everything that was happening before it happened. Not my fault, this season opener was as predictable as it gets.

After night one we lost Tahzjuan, Erin, Devin, Jane, Alex D. (sloth), Revian, and Laura. I don’t want to tell the producers how to do their job but yikes that was a boring episode. The girls talking about Catherine getting a rose before she obviously would get the last rose? I’ve had enough of that.

After an all nighter, the sun comes up (like all the way up, it was bright), and tears are flowing. Seven girls are saying their goodbyes. 23 year old girls crying that they will never find someone to love them. This is going to be a looooong season.

After the season preview, I will be blown away if Colton actually marries any of these girls.

My predictions so far:

Caelynn and Hannah B. 2 on 1 date
Final 5: Cassie, Caelynn, Hannah G, Tayshia, Alex B. (Katie on the fence)

Final Limo Entrance Virgin Joke Count: 5