With All The R. Kelly Pedophile News, Let's Revisit The Work Of Another Famous Pedophile: Subway's Jared Fogle

R. Kelly. Kevin Spacey. Woody Allen. When it comes to diddling children, the rich and famous are far from immune. And while those three faces deserve their place on Mount Touchmore, the fourth spot undoubtedly belongs to Jared Fogle.

If you were born after the year 2000, you might not be familiar with “Subway Jared.” And that’s unfortunate because you’re exactly the people whom he would have liked the most. Jared Fogle became famous for losing 200 pounds by eating Subway sandwiches every day. Against all odds, he single-handedly rebranded the middling fast-food chain as a weight-loss resource. To this day, it’s one of the most baffling rebrands I’ve ever witnessed. Keep in mind, this campaign happened long before the the Atkins or South Beach diets taught us that eating an entire foot of bread might not be the quickest route to six-pack abs. But even so, the idea that overweight people flocked to Subway by the tens of thousands of pounds, hoping to one day pose with their preposterous pants like Jared, is just incredible. No matter how you slice it, Subway isn’t really a healthy choice; Jared’s multiple-mile walks to Subway, and his eschewing of mayonnaise and other bad shit, were really the reason he lost so much weight. But Subway took the story and ran with it, plastering his goofy face EVERYWHERE. And we bought it.

He was an advertiser’s dream: a normal, nice dude with an incredible story. Between 1998 and 2011, Subway’s sales tripled, and the company attributes somewhere between 33-50% of this growth to Jared. Insane. Imagine if the Geico gecko were responsible for doubling the company’s sales over a decade? Maybe he is. I don’t know. Those ads were pretty good too.

Except… he wasn’t normal. Or nice. Turns out, when Jared put down the plates of nachos and the oversized pretzels, he picked up hard drives of kiddie porn. Talk about a left turn. That’s like going from heroin to banging goats. Find another vice, man. Some middle-ground? There has to be a middle-ground. Don’t bang goats because you’re hungry. In an eery parallel to Jerry Sandusky, Fogle used his foundation as a way of satisfying his disgusting urges. The head of the foundation, Russell Taylor, would later be arrested for being a pedophile himself. But not before he cooperated with the FBI and led them to Fogle.

Here are the audio tapes of Fogle unknowingly revealing his love for middle school girls. Needless to say, it’s haunting stuff:

Jared was eventually sentenced to over 15 years in prison. And as Rust Cole once said, “prison is very, very hard on people who hurt kids.”

In March 2016, Fogle was assaulted by another inmate, Steven Nigg, reportedly because Nigg hates child molesters. The attack left Fogle with a bleeding nose, swollen face and scratches on his neck. (Wiki)

You can’t make this shit up. THIS DUDE:

was beaten up in FEDERAL PRISON by a guy named Steven Nigg. That, my friends, is the justice system at its finest.

And here’s a hilarious sketch to wash it all down: