1. The Eagles

If the Romans had smeared Crisco all over there crucifixes then Jesus would of slid right down.

Philly is a one horse town so its no suprise that there so crazy about Foles. All they have is their sports and they have been blessed with a savior after several lifetimes in purgatory. And Philadelphia by its very nature is hoagied right between New York and DC the sodom and gommorah of our time so its real easy for it to look clean and ethcal by comparison. God looks on one side and sees a city filled with assholes and another city filled with clogged toilets and correctley dosent blame the poop in between.

This is a city whose previously most lucky thing had been when there most famous citizen got struck by lightning and discovered electicty, which is alot like having the Key to your only Superbowl win be having your starting QBs ACL get torn.

2. The Bears

This might not seem intutive, and I know they are technicaly eliminated, but the chances of a field goal bouncing off two posts in the closing seconds of a playoff game are basicaly about the same as the Dead Sea scrolls getting lost and found and lost and found again. As Jeff pointed out on Big If True today, Parkey might of just guarenteed himself a lifetime contract with Dude Perfect with his pole-seeking performences this year, and with a milleneal moneymaking name like Cody Parkey he better start working on his next impossble trick shot being a camel passing through the eye of a needle because this guys about to get paid.

Plus theres something to be said for being so obviously cursed. Wether its getting beaten by the amazing athiest Aaron Rodgers at home, or getting beaten by Rodgers on the road, or employing Chris Conte, or beating Aaron Rodgers and getting his coached fired so he’ll be good again, the Bears seem to be cursed. It seems like recentley more and more teams are taking on the cursed mantle wether its the Vikings, Bears, Lions, Bills, Browns, etc. when more and more teams are blaming God at least the Job market is way up.

Good news is there’s no worse way to win a game than what happened last night so there’s no where to go but up. Things literaly can not get any worse for you then they are today. And check this out- things are allready looking up:

Thats one less missed field goal then you thought you had this year. Also maybe Jon Harbaugh will go insane and trade you Justin Tucker before the season starts next year.

3. Patriots

Belichick definitely has dirt on Jesus. Probably why he hasnt come back yet- kind of like Urban Meyer running from the SEC to get away from Saban.

Belichick also understands the importance of balance. People tend to zero in on the fact that Aaron Hernandez killed three guys but lose sight of the fact that he also had bible tattoos. If for every Hernandez, Talib,  or Merriweather you sign you win a Superbowl or give a Tebow a tryout, the Lord can kind of look the other way.

God has to apprecate the mentality in New England as well. The premise of the crusades was they hate us cuz they aint us, and all sodiers were granted eternal salvation so I see no reason why this would be any different.

4. Saints

I knew Drew Brees was touched by the lord when Ahmad Brooks decapitated him and he didnt miss a play.

New Orleans the city is the only place on earth that fully understans the nature of Christianty and its total loophole of “do whatever you want to do whenever you feel like it as long as you have fun and say your sorry later” and I feel like God would even like to take his sandals off and kick back for a hooting good time minus the shellfish.

Heres the cool thing about New Orleans its the only city that has adequateley gamified christianity by finding a way to make it fun as hell to battle your own demons. Its a city filled with folks who have to take on a 53-man roster of hellions going to get the paper I think they can handle most NFL teams. When it comes to the ultmate showdown between good and evil this is as battle-tested of a unit as youll find east of the Spearmint Rhino.

The one thing Ive allways loved about catholicism is that you can go to confesson and get absolved of any sin by bragging to your priest about how cool you are. Hey father, this sucks and Im embarassed to admit it but I impregnated my neighbors girlfriend on his riding mower again after she heard me play the entire solo from “Eruption” on my new guitar I didnt need to finance, gosh this is shameful. What a blast that sounds like.

And the Saints , wether its bountying the shit out of the rest of the league or cutting out the lights at halftime of the superbowl just to mess with the 49ers, live everyday like they can just get a new clean slate next week- they even went ahead and allowed themselves to be tempted by a Apple at the trade deadline.

5. Chiefs

Andy Reid is still alive so thats gota count for something. Also I just get the feeling that Arrowhead Stadium has to have something supernatural going on there. How can 80,000 midwesterners get so loud unless they’re gossiping about each others cassarole recipes and who added too much salt this year. Its got that weird scoreboard that sticks our the top of the stadium and looks like its superimposed by CBS so they can put advertisements on it theres no way that thing is structurally possble without divine intervention.

6. Chargers

At first glance Philip Rivers seems to be everything a creator would look for in a creation. Most fertile Rivers You’ve created since the Tigress and the Euphrates. Not only does he honor You constantly but also singlehandedley is trying to shift the future demographic of the world through breeding to make sure You remain relevent. But on closer inspection I submit that Rivers is a textbook example of a guy who likes God so much that even the lords like “chill out man your coming off desperate.” If I could give Philip Rivers some advice it would be to sit him down and say son if you treat God like mud and he’ll stick to you like myrrh.

If your God do you really want credit for a bunch of 7-9 seasons? Its like thanks Philip but I’m kind of busy healing Julian Edelmans knee and helping Robert Kraft get laid but I apprecate the shout out. Yeah no it was great that you gave me all the credit for beating the Raiders at home again but maybe just chill out for a while your scaring me dude. Philip Rivers might be the first guy to have a restraning order filed against him by God.

7. Colts

Pretty sure Andrew Lucks a athiest. Plus Frank Reich used up all of his favor with God on 30-plus point comebacks for the University of Maryland and the Buffalo Bills. If Reich found a magic lamp he’d waste his first two wishes on braces for his baby teeth and to be able to last longer when hes jerking off. No offense.

Last: Rams/Cowboys

If Jerry Jones hadnt masterbated into so many shoes, Jesus would of been out of a job washing prostitutes feet. Just something to think about.

And even God is afraid of scientologists. Not gona touch that one.