Tiktok Thursdays
In case you missed Week 1 and Week 2 of Tiktok Thursdays, I do some deep dives on this app to find some of the weirdest content I can find for you guys. This week has some real doozies, and I have Kate and KB back to offer some insightful commentary.
Cuddle Freaks
Kenjac: Whenever I see these ones with older guys doing insatiably horny things, I can’t help but imagine if it was my dad and it makes me very sad.
KB: I’m galaxies removed from the social norms that the gentleman in this video adheres to, but I can almost guarantee that this is intergalactically creepy to every demographic in the universe.
Kate: Everyone’s focusing on the creepy ‘cum hither’ guy here, but I think the real star of the show is the lady clearly using her kid’s Lightning McQueen pillow & robot blanket for a cuddle-oriented TikTok that was sure to attract creeps. Not that I’m judging. (I’m judging.)
Chuck Liddell Training Montage
Kenjac: This guy is an absolute machine. A monster among men. Take notes, Shaun Latham.
KB: The profitability of the Rough N’ Rowdy would be far more substantial if we targeted the Appalachian Diabetic Incel Heavy Metal TikTok Community.
Kate: Not impressed. Punch one with those pointy alphabet magnets all over it, then we’ll talk.
The Ultimate Fighter
Kenjac: Every Alabama fan reading “Fire Saban” tweets
KB: This guy + an extra large can of Monster energy + a McDonald’s parking lot on a Saturday – his ADHD medication = bad news for someone’s son and one less virginity for someone’s 14-year-old daughter.
Kate: I am SHOCKED at the apparent cleanliness of his surroundings here, but not shocked that there’s a giant framed mirror revealing two actual bats corpses in the background.
Brian May Doing Coke
Kenjac: I really can’t say anything better than my twitter caption. Congrats on winning best picture at the globes.
KB: All jokes aside, I respect these TikTok users for not giving an iota of a fuck about what they upload to the general public.
Kate: This is the same guy from the previous Tik Tok. I’d recognize those jeans that look like a series of shredded kneepads anywhere. And say what you want about the cocaine, his dad is clearly a patriot. #salute
Please Mr. Cowboy
Kenjac: The mating dance for parents of multi-level marketing scheme salesmen.
KB: Going to refrain from making fun of West Virginia in this edition of the blog, but if you went to a local bar in…Southwestern Virginia or Southeastern Ohio, this is how the most reputable patrons of both genders will flirt with each other.
Kate: Is she trying to lip sync, or mush up some peas with her gums here? Either way, top notch eyebrow enthusiasm.
Security Guard Ready To Invade Afghanistan
Kenjac: Security guards posing as cops on this app is like when you bought Etnies in middle school and said you were a skater.
KB: People with daughters, imagine your daughter’s life is in grave danger and this man is the authoritative figure left with the task of keeping her safe. Side note: impeccably cinematic camera work and editing.
Kate: ::Calls guy:: / ::Guy does not answer because he’s making a Tik Tok::
Louis C.K. Alive And Well
Kenjac: Hey lil mama let me whisper in your ear. My test came back and i swear I’m all clear.
KB: This is what the highest class of PDA at a county fair in Point Pleasant, WV Gallipolis, OH looks like.
Kate: Girl you’re my angel, you’re my darlin’ angel, please take a whiff of this goatee, bay-bee
Glockfather
Kenjac: There are so many soundbytes from the Fast & the Furious universe that are used on this app and none of the content from it is good.
KB: I don’t know much about this realm, but I’m 100% certain the children in this footage have heard (and seen) the adults in this footage fornicate with each other.
Kate: I’m just going to name the things my brain comprehended in order: Face tat, hair tuft, 50 Cent hoodie, Glock, canola oil, huge tub of Country Crock butter, large slabs of breaded mystery meat, dog wondering why the fuck this is happening.
Divorced Vampire
Kenjac: I think you can legally deny custody of children to Vampires, right? I think “Interview With a Vampire” set precedent for this exact ruling.
KB: Pa! Sweet Pa! I seen your Tick Tocks on ma’s tablet while she was sleepin! Please come home, pa.
Kate: As a final wooden stake to his heart, the mom relocated the girls to a sunny, Arizona garlic farm.
Large Adult Son Expo
Kenjac: Awesome footage from the Huckabee family Christmas.
KB: Nothing negative about this one. This is quality comedy, intentional or not.
Kate: Over-all (heh heh) I think this is perfectly normal. (Except for the pussy-pop song directed at matching male family members chillin’ with a plate of Turkey bits set out like a bowl of chips in the foreground.)
Hit or Miss, She Took The Fucking Kids
Kenjac: This tiktok was somehow retroactively used in his custody hearing to rule him double guilty.
Normal Adults!
KB: I’m editing this last and the jokes above and below me are all that’s necessary here.
Kate: Dog in the background is definitely jealous of this guy’s son.
Kenjac: This is the shit that makes me want to quit doing these. For some reason adults LOVE using sountracks with kids voices and it is the creepiest shit ever.
KB: I was so fixated on the leftward gentleman’s hauntingly disturbing face that it took me several views to realize the cartoonish figure on the right.
Kate: The guy on the left looks like an extra in a pirate movie. Would not let him within 1,000 yards of the Lost Boys.
Somehow Every Gamestop Employee
Kenjac: I know you bought this game for $50 a few days ago, but the best I can give you is $10 in store credit.
KB: I have such a high tolerance for TikTok creepiness that I saw this and was just like, “that was impressive lip-syncing.”
Kate: The only thing dominant here is that forehead & the huge red flags he’s flying.
Jarred Carrabis
Kenjac: Stay hot, Rocket.
KB: A grand total of no girlfriends are safe at any Massachusetts halfway house.
Kate: “I know you like it when I hit it like that…” Mmmhmmm… you know it girl, like a malfunctioning, white robot.
Cool Parents
Kenjac: I honestly hope that Child Protective Services either follows my blogs or has a farm of people swiping through this app.
KB: I can smell the aroma of meth and year-old bed bug blood.
Kate: This is exactly what Grandma June had in mind when she pieced that quilt together 47 years ago. <3
Burger Grandpa Has Grown Up
Kenjac: This is my evidence that olds shouldn’t be able to vote.
KB: WHAT is this lmao
Kate: Hard to tell who has a bigger set of bags here.
Cool Eyebrows!
Kenjac: *Extremely Future voice* Lets fuck up some…
KB: Bah god! That’s a TikTok ten!
Kate: ::Goes to get eyebrows done:: “I’ll take the Eugene Levy, please.”
Foot Man
Kenjac: Nobody show this to Rex Ryan.
KB: Post-Apocalyptic Foot Fetish Horror Porn
Kate: There’s a fungus among-us.
Red Dead Redemption
Kenjac: Is this guy beefing with the Hatfields or something?
KB: Imagining getting murdered by this guy. Like imagine dying, and this guy was the reason. You’d have to kill yourself.
Kate: Apparently “as rowdy as they come” means having an ill-fitted white tee, functioning middle fingers & total freedom to record in your studio (mom’s garage).
Gravedigger
Kenjac: If a Tiktok is made within 10 feet of your grave, you get immediately drafted into the skeleton army in Hell.
KB: Again, this is just quality comedy to me.
Kate: Deepest sympathies to Gail & Melissa for this.
Dirty House Guy
Kenjac: Dirty house people are the best on this app in my opinion. Shamelessly showing off your vile surroundings that are only dirty due to lack of effort requires a special level of not caring.
KB: This guy is no older than 31. That’s not a joke.
Kate: If being a flirt is showing a young lady how much junk you can stack on your microwave, this guy is king.