How Fucking Boring is Kansas?

I was in the middle of writing a short 7,500 word persuasive essay on why everyone should share my irrational hatred for something widely popular, but I had to take a break to acknowledge something equally pathetic: Kansas.

Dots represent ideal spots to contemplate suicide or get murdered by a tornado.

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People in Kansas are so unfathomably bored all the time that the highlight of their week was pretending to be mad about the results of a satire “research study” posted by an online troll with a smirking little boy as his avatar.

Ironically, this random Twitter douche who I jokingly labeled “the most popular celebrity from Kansas” might actually be the most popular person in that entire horizontal hellscape, considering the amount of people who know exactly who he is down to the fictional town he’s from.

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An oddly oblivious operational unit of Emily Sunflowers and Ian Boyd Duncans felt the need to put on their straw capes and pridefully come to the defense of their historically unmentioned state. I didn’t mind it all, and it was a win-win for everyone involved — I was getting attention and they had something to be passionate about for the first time since 2008. But it also piqued my curiosity — how fucking boring is Kansas?

Top Destinations

The first two places vaguely resemble a semi-modern city, but then the “premier destinations” in Kansas swiftly regress to “we have some buildings” to “we have a building” to “we have a shed” to “we have sign.” Imagine the natural disaster blue balls tornadoes must experience when they’re fully prepped to do max destruction only to land in one of Kansas’ top metros.

Things to Do

The highest rated attraction in all of Kansas is a “historic farmstead,” which is pretty much just a field that proudly displays a cow made of hay. Like a third grade art class spent an hour painting dried grass and now it’s the most notable and respected monument in the whole state.

And then there’s the Old Cowtown Museum, which is *squints eyes* a gravel driveway behind someone’s house.

Best Places to Visit

“We have some things but the best thing about us is that we border OTHER states, so you might as well just go check those out.”

The number one best place to visit in Kansas is so fucking lame that the tourism website tried to deceive me with an advertisement for a luxury tropical island resort in the Indian Ocean.

And the second best place to visit in all of Kansas is so depressing that the website just said “fuck it” and gave me an ad for something in Arkansas.

*The third best place to visit was Westboro Baptist Church and the fourth best place was a conversion campsite in the middle of a prairie. 

A Google search for “things to do in Kansas” provided me with some enticing images of a “waterpark” that appears to be a man-made pond in someone’s backyard. Also, a tractor.

I thought West Virginia was bad but at least they have things like “elevation” and “views” that they can admire while they nod off on opiates.

I decided to give Kansas the benefit of the doubt and do some deeper digging until I found something exciting about the state that inevitably exists.

Number 1:

Annnnnd there it is. An entire town dedicated to the pride and joy of The Sunflower State: an oversized ball of twine that’s quickly outgrowing the structure that’s housing it.

Wait a second…

Something seems off about this scene.

I can’t make this up. Kansas sucks that much shit. But hey, if you get bored of a twine ball, just head on over to the Big Well Museum where you can spend your afternoon…looking down a well.