The Relationship Rules Of Snoozing

The lady slept over last night, again. It happens so often now that the single impression in the center of my mattress—the individualized pocket that my body and gravity tailored to my curves and joints, that once swaddled me in comfort and familiarity—has risen back to level due to lack of use. Instead, two distinct human indents on the far extremes of the bed have formed. The one on my side is notable for its rigid, pencil-like shape: the mark of a sleeper who endeavors to minimize his footprint, who moves as little as possible, and who sleeps in abject terror. The other takes the shape of a young lady prone to fits of thrashing, sneezing in arbitrary bunches, and a complete disregard for territorial limits. A keen observer would see that her side isn’t so much a “side” as it is “the entire mattress,” hers to roam with impunity but for my tiny slice of oft-invaded sovereign land.

Congratulations on the sex, you say? Scoff. Once upon a time, you might have been right. But we’re four months in, my child. Nowadays a sleepover leads to sex as often as an Ellie tweet leads to a teenage women’s march or whatever the fuck those pygmies do when they’re not on the phone with their mothers. Why? Well, she takes pride in hydrating before bed. Like a Bedouin woman who worries that while she sleeps, the encampment might blow away in a sandstorm, and thus her pre-bed quaff might have to sustain her for weeks, my lovely camel downs a full Brita post-teeth brushing so that she “doesn’t wake up dehydrated.” Consequently, she gets up pee every two hours, like sadistic clockwork. I’m a criminally light sleeper, so I wake with each passing pissing. Some people find their dreams punctured by the tinny percussions of a leaky heating pipe; my nightmares are scored by the choking, gurgling cries of a toilet flushing urine so clear you can spritz your face with it on a hot flight.

Needless to say, sleepovers aren’t my favorite. But I accept them as a necessary evil because they make her happy. And why wouldn’t they? She gets to do whatever the hell she wants. She’s the queen of the food chain. She turns my California King into the most improper of fractions, with me as the overpowered denominator, sleeping in a canoe, while she explores the capacious confines of a mattress infinity pool.

It’s really my fault. For too long, I’ve let her get away with sleeping however she wants. But this morning, I decided to “take back the light,” as James Mcavoy says in M. Night Shyamalan’s Split. You see, she’s a snoozer. Like many people, she prefers to end her slumber with a series of 10-minute naps, each punctuated by a blasting alarm that jars the brain from peace like an air-raid siren warning Londoners that the Luftwaffe are making another pass. Rather than sleep a consolidated eight hours, she likes to ease into consciousness with the dulcet horns of an iPhone’s stock alarm for about 45 minutes. It’s really fun to witness from two feet away.

I’m not a total lunatic. I snooze myself. But usually, I snooze once, for about 15 minutes. That’s enough time to catch a few last semi-conscious z’s before you rouse yourself. And if I’m sleeping with someone? I make sure to follow the snooze rules, which I’ve outlined below.

The Snooze Rules 

1) The home team is allowed to snooze as much as he/she wants. Your bed= your rules.

-1A: If the home team and the away team must be out of bed at the same time, it is courteous (but not required) for the home team to limit his/her snoozes to a maximum of TWO (2). UNLESS the away team wants to snooze at the same intervals as set by the home team (this is extremely rare).

2) If the away team must wake up earlier than the home team, he/she must wake immediately and vacate the bed in the quietest, most expeditious manner. Do not linger in bed checking your phone. Get out, close the door quietly, and let the home team return to sleep.

3) If the sleep is being played at a neutral site (hotel, AirBNB), alarm time should be agreed upon through a respectful conversation prior to bed. Upon waking, the team that needs more time to get ready in the morning must exit the bed first. They are allowed a maximum of ONE snooze. He/she has the luxury of first shower, but he/she should not re-enter the bed chamber until the lower-maintenance, still-sleeping party has risen.

Those are the rules. If your significant other doesn’t want to abide by them, you’re in a toxic relationship. Sleep is for the strong, not the weak.