Rolling Into The Weekend

Morning… I have never started an Ass From The Past blog with a picture of the subject in Modern Day.  That is because nine times out of 10 (the tenth being Elizabeth Hurley), the subject naturally looks worse the older she gets.

It’s unfortunate, but men age like wine whilst broads age like cheese.  I don’t make the rules, ladies… It is what it is.

But then I come across this recent picture, and I was taken aback…

For those who are unfamiliar, this is Heather Graham.

Doesn’t she still look wonderful?… And before you scoff and/or nitpick (because we are all so perfect), know that she’s about to turn 49 years old next week.

She was born into an Irish-American family in 1970 is scenic Milwaukee, WI.  Her mom was a teacher, and her dad was an FBI agent.

The family eventually relocated to California, and Heather dropped out of UCLA to pursue an acting career.

A year after her Irish-Catholic douchebag parents forbid her from taking the starring role in Heathers due to its expletive-rich script, Graham found critical acclaim in her breakout performance as a young junkie in Gus Van Sant’s 1989 film Drugstore Cowboy.

She has an atypical resumé of dudes she has dated, including the very weird Corey Feldman, the very dead Heath Ledger, the very well-hung James Woods, and Adam Ant (obviously)… Not exactly a “Murderer’s Row” but I respect the fact she doesn’t have a “type.”

—  Interesting To Note- Not a single black guy in the bunch.  But you know me… I don’t judge obvious racists.  —

Her list of films is about as impressive as her list of men.  I see only 3 roles that I think are worth highlighting:

1) Rollergirl, the slutty pornstar in Boogie Nights.

Whoops!… Wrong GIF.  Apologies, Heather.

2) Felicity Shagwell, the slutty secret-angel in Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me.

And 3) Jade, the slutty stripper in The Hangover Part I AND The Hangover Part III (apparently, she passed on Part II for “creative differences”).

Graham got this last role only AFTER Lindsay Lohan turned it down… Which I think worked out better for all involved.

Not afraid to dump them out, Graham first got nude on camera for Boogie Nights when she was 27 years old, and took ‘em out again this past year (21 years later) for a small film she wrote and directed, called Half Magic that absolutely nobody went to see.

Over 2 decades of solid full frontal PLUS an effective bottom lip bite gets you a spot as an Ass From The Past in my book, so welcome aboard, Heather.

And take a report.

-Large