Macaulay Culkin Is Back As Kevin McCalister So I Wrote The Real Home Alone 3

Honest to god, this is wonderful! Macaulay looks fantastic! After years of looking like he was the middle picture in the Faces of Meth ads, Macaulay looks clean and ready to rock. How wonderful would a reboot of this franchise be?

I’m not sure how they would do it because it would be horrible to see Kevin forgetting about his kids. I like to picture Kevin as a wonderful father who loves his children.

On second thought, here’s an idea.

Maybe instead of the same ole type of home alone, Kevin can send his kids to visit their grandparents for the Holidays. Kevin’s parents leave his kids alone and get in a car wreck. They are ultimately fine but Kevin gave his dad clear instructions to never leave the kids home by themselves. After all, he knows what could happen better than anyone else.

Well, the wreck happens and no one can check on the kids right away. The children are 4 and 6. Luckily, Lucy, the six-year-old has an Ipad. She Facetimes with her dad and says that she’s ok but her brother is scared. Kevin calls Buzz and tells him to pick up his kids as soon as he can. Buzz lives a couple blocks away so this isnt a problem.

After a few minutes, Buzz calls Kevin and tells him that the kids are safe and that they can spend the night with him. After the 2nd film, Kevin and Buzz became very close. It’s beautiful.

Now the time on deck is 11pm. Kevin’s dad calls after not picking up for hours and says that they are sorry but they are finally on their way to the house. It’s the same house. Kevin knows it well.

As Kevin’s parents walk in the house and turn on the lights, they see Kevin sitting there on the stairs. From behind the curtain near the door, Kevin’s wife sneaks behind his parents and deadbolts the door.

“Now you’re Home Alone,,, with me,” Kevin says while lifting a hunter’s knife. “Sit in the fucking chair, dad.”

Kevin says, “Ok google. Play White Christmas at full volume.”

My god. A chainsaw.

The scene turns into something like Hostel. It’s too violent for the theatres but it sparks Macaulay’s career again. He goes on to win several Oscars and becomes the Governor of Illinois. The platform he runs on? Government waste. At the end of every political rally, he gets the crowd to chant, “No More Sticky Bandits Running Illinois.”

All the ladies in the audience turn into wet bandits. Panties.soaked. Macaulay is truly back.