The First Ever TikTok Thursday ft. KBnoswag
There comes a time in a person’s life where they need to speak out about evils that they are witnessing. That time came for me last night when the app TikTok finally broke my brain.
For those of you unfamiliar with the app, it was originally launched as “Douyin” in China. The premise is that you pick a song you want to lip sync, make a video of you doing it, and post. Douyin later bought and merged with the app “musical.ly” which is basically the same sort of service but had a huge existing base of teenage user in the US. Most people know musical.ly from one particular video:
The current landscape of the app is totally different. Instead of just having solo videos, there is now also “duets”. Unless you have this feature turned off, anybody with the app can make a side by side video of them singing/talking with you. So basically, there is a ton of teens making videos of them singing love songs and whatnot followed by extremely creepy old men making duets with said videos. See here:
The basic ecosystem of the app as it is right now is as follows.
1. Promoted/professional accounts: This is basically like the LA people from back when Vine was still around. Ghouls like these that make unfunny, highly produced swill.
2. Teens: There is plenty of high schoolers that make a combination of harmless lip sync video and also insanely racist gamer stuff. Maybe 1/10 is really funny though, to be fair.
3. Creepy Olds: This is the alpha predator of the food chain, no pun intended. Basically every older weirdo that you see posting all the time on Facebook has a TikTok account. I’m not sure if maybe the app is using every dime of marketing to blitz the Divorced 35-40k annual income bracket on Facebook ads, but it’s certainly a possibility. The biggest thing you need to know about these adults is that they are overwhelmingly white, from the south, and horny as all fuck. Like mormon squirrels in heat. They basically only post thirst traps, duets with teenagers, MAGA propaganda, videos of guns and videos of disgusting food.
4. Cops/Troops: This has some crossover with both creepy olds and sometimes teens, but they LOVE to post. With cops, it’s usually thirst traps of them on patrol, or daily routine videos of them getting dressed to go to work. With troops, it’s basically the same thing with a lot more self-aggrandizing “damn, I’m cool as shit” type videos.
5. Furries/Bronies/Cosplayers: Personally, I don’t find any of that to be weird considering how mainstream it is in modern culture.
6. Impartial Observers: Basically, me. I’m sort of like the crew in Star Trek where I have a prime directive of not interference when observing a primitive society. I just report what I see and sometimes post people in the office.
Now that you have the layout, let’s start our roundup. I’m goin to try and find 10 videos each week to show you guys before this app gets shut down by the FBI. I’ve also enlisted the best blogger in the company (imo) KBnoswag to provide some commentary since my brain is too rotted to write words good.
Kenjac: I love large adult sons and this kid is basically in the LAG version of Webelos.
KB: I actually like these guys. They’re like if Steubenville High School (if you know, you know) offered an IEP video editing class and the third string nose guard on the football team actually paid attention in class, and then went wild with his new skills.
9. Thirst Trap Cop
Kenjac: Like I mentioned, this is pretty much the only posts LEO’s upload.
KB: I’d rather, and I can’t stress this enough, spend a lifetime in solitary confinement than get handcuffed by the dude who voluntarily made this video and uploaded it for the world to see.
8. The King of Cunningulis
Kenjac: Don’t leave your wife alone with this guy or he will chow down on her coochie like a newspaper squeaky toy.
KB: Being from West Virginia, I can confidently say that this archetype of human does, in fact, actively consume/fuck pussy (not necessarily human pussy). The more southern you go in the state, the more this video would have an aphrodisiacal effect.
7. Boiled Unborn Child
Kenjac: This is still haunting me. The noise it made, the brown bile that flew out. WHAT WAS IT?!
KB: Being from West Virginia, I’m very familiar with the type of culinary dish being prepared in this video. The sound, however, combined with the ejaculation of the infected poultry cum was also haunting to me. Regardless, I think I love this app.
6. Horny Consenting Adults Posting Online
Kenjac: There is almost no words for this level of public horniness. The one crucial role of being online is NEVER BE HORNY ON MAIN!
KB: I have a necrophiliac uncle who is a spitting image of the man on the left and a cousin/sister-in-law who is nearly identical to the woman on the right. If either of them had access to wifi or knew how to use a smart phone, this is precisely the video I’d imagine they make.
5. Very Funny Disease
Kenjac: I just don’t understand. Please help me explain the thought process of a person that posts this. Do they think it makes them look cool? Not sad? Please.
KB: Yeah, this one is just sad. Morbid even. I see her username is @jesswilson92, which would imply that she was born in 1992 and thus, ~26 years old? I mean, yeah her pussy is a prized possession in places like Boone County, WV, but this is universally pathetic.
4. Dancing Grandpa
Kenjac: Remember that grandpa that was all sad cause he made a bunch of burgers for his family and they didn’t show up? This is him today.
KB: This is a Southern West Virginian 33 year-old who, with the help of giving out free oxycontin, undoubtedly fucks bitches. It’s bizarre that Tik Tok (a Chinese company) has found a way to tap into the Appalachian market so well, but I’m impressed.
3. CelticPapaBear73
Kenjac: This man should not be given access to the internet. He almost looks like Triple H if he had “A knee injury in high school which is the only reason he never made it and became a bouncer instead”.
KB: Pre crime. Crime, in and of itself. Post crime. Whatever this shit is, it shouldn’t be legal.
2. EMT but the E stands for E-Boy
Kenjac: Imagine your loved one dying because the tech was too busy dancing to Bruno Mars?
KB: When I first saw this tweet from Kenjac, I almost had a hate-induced brain aneurism. His haircut, his smirk, his face, his trouser elevation, his chin rub, and most importantly, the fact that he’s a grown man lip-syncing in general, I couldn’t possibly hate this guy more.
1. The straw that broke Kenjac’s back
Kenjac: This is the post that made me log off for a while. I mentally and spiritually cannot comprehend why you would post your family member in this state for any reason whatsoever.
KB: Yeah, fuck this.
See you next week. If you want to follow along, this is my TikTok account, and I post threads on my twitter as well as my instagram. Don’t forget to subscribe to Lights, Camera, Pod, follow us on Twitter, follow us on Instagram and join in on the conversation on our Reddit. Oh and vote in my totally normal study of the best movies from each state. We got Massachusetts up this week, and if the embedded form doesn’t work just click here.