Getting To Sit Down And Chat With Kevin Smith Meant A Whole Lot To Me

(Robbie/Kevin Smith clip begins at 25:05)

“You had a fucking panic attack over meeting Silent Bob?”

That’s a question I’ve gotten a lot over the past week, and boy oh boy did I have a fucking panic attack over meeting Silent Bob – let me explain.

Note: I’ve know I’ve written pretty extensively about my Kevin Smith fandom in the past, but a bunch of people hit me up about it in the past few days so I’m re-telling the tale here. Seems as appropriate a time as any.

My older brother first introduced me to Kevin Smith and his work when I was like thirteen or fourteen. Probably a little young, in hindsight, but hey – that’s what older brothers are for, right? Letting you watch the shit you probably shouldn’t have been. He lent me a stack of DVDs one night and told me he thought I’d really dig them, and, well…I did. I fell in love with the guy pretty much instantly.

I made my way through Smith’s entire catalogue of flicks in a weekend, quickly moved onto his “Evening With…” Q+A specials, and then not too long afterwards I discovered his podcast network, Smodcast, and dove BALLS DEEP into its back-library. Smodcast, Tell ‘Em Steve Dave, Jay & Silent Bob Get Old, Hollywood Babble-On…you name it.

If Kev was talkin’, I was listening.

I didn’t live too far from Jay and Silent Bob’s Secret Stash down in Red Bank at the time, either, so I started making some trips there, and before I knew it, my whole world was pretty much entrenched with all things Kevin Smith.

Now, on what I suppose is more of a serious note – around this time, some shit hit the fan in my personal and family life that unfortunately sent me into the worst tailspin of depression and anxiety I’ve ever experienced, which I’ve mentioned a bunch in the past. Living inside of my own head was hell for a few years, truly, and there was seemingly no light at the end of the tunnel, as there never is when you’re in the thick of it. During that time period, though, almost every single night, I’d fall asleep with a Kevin Smith podcast on to ensure I wasn’t left alone with my thoughts in the final moments of my day. It was the only time I couldn’t be with my family or friends to distract myself from what was going on in my brain, and I spent it with ol’ Silent Bob every night. Across all of his shows, the way Kev just oozed goofiness and optimism through his sense of humor was just guaranteed to put a smile on my face before bed, and that remains true to this day.

Kevin did a book signing at the Stash in 2012 where I was fortunate enough to meet him for the first time after waiting in line for probably like eight hours with my mom, and at that point, that was the greatest moment of my life. I had him sign my copy of his cancelled ‘Superman Lives’ script, which he of course scribed, “Robbie! Fuck Tim Burton!”, thanked him for the hours of entertainment, and we took a photo together.

He then walked over to my mom, away from where he was signing for a moment, just to shake her hand and thank her for waiting in line with me. Even after failing to get her attention with an “Excuse me, miss!” at first (which sent me into a mini “MOM KEVIN SMITH IS TALKING TO YOU PLEASE PAY ATTENTION” panic attack)! But he did thank her, and myself, and I’ve never forgotten that. It meant the world.

Just a few months later, Kev released a Q+A special by the name of ‘Burn In Hell’, and everything changed for me. When asked by a fan how Smith finds time to juggle all he does, he first instinctively answers: weed, but then goes in-depth on his father’s death and how it inspired him to try to do everything he’s ever wanted to. On YouTube, it’s titled, “Kevin Smith – Explaining The Meaning of Life as an Artist”, but to me, it’s always been Kevin Smith’s “Why not?” speech. I’d love if you watched it below.

That monologue inspired me more than anything or anyone ever had, and still does.

After I made my way through the remainder of the special, I went back to hear that story again, and immediately transcribed the whole thing and taped it above my bed so it could be the first thing I read in the morning and the last at night, censoring the curses at my mom’s request…and then I started trying shit out. Mainly – getting a job at Barstool Sports. I started revving up my applications and shirt designs, began running my own mixed martial arts and professional wrestling blog/podcast, and asking myself, “Why not?” at every goddamn turn over the next few years, stuck with it, and somewhere along the way, I escaped the rut I was in (thanks to the support around me, sincerely). And then, almost four years to the day after watching ‘Burn in Hell’, I landed my dream job here – all thanks to those two words: Why not? Words that now, I’ve got permanently inked on my wrist as a reminder to encourage others to do the same!

So THAT’s why Kevin Smith coming into the Barstool Sports office on Tuesday and doing Lights, Camera, Barstool with Jeff, KenJac, and I meant so much to me…but it doesn’t really explain the panic attack, I suppose.

That, believe it or not, probably wasn’t too Kevin Smith-related. My anxiety this year has just been a bit of a trainwreck (and by that I mean a colossal trainwreck), and for whatever reason, doing interviews, radio spots, or podcasts have required a lot more outta me on a mental level than they ever have in recent months. Being this one was with Smith, it probably just sent my brain juuust too far over the “PANIC! YOU CAN’T DO IT!” ledge, and once you’re slipping, it ain’t easy seeing clearly. So I was basically put in a spot where I had to lock myself in our snack room 10 minutes before the interview, call my older brother, and have him talk me down from hyperventilating and freaking out. For the first five minutes of that call, I was dead set on just not doing the interview – my #1 Holy Grail/White Whale interview of all time, at that, just because I was so terrified. I don’t know what I was terrified of, I truly couldn’t tell you because there’s not an actual answer, but hey – welcome to life with anxiety!

I decided to give it a shot after my brother really drove home the point that I’d regret it forever if I passed on this opportunity, and obviously, in the end all went fine. We addressed the panic attack immediately, Kevin literally held my hand to make me feel better, it became a funny moment, and by the time he started dishin’ deets from the set of Episode IX…

…I was really able to enjoy myself, and geek out over the fact that I was talking about Star Wars with two of my buddies and my literal hero.

Please download the pod to hear more! Click HERE!

Once again, after meeting him in person, Kev was exactly as advertised. Just the coolest, most polite, funny, and passionate motherfucker around. He’s lost a few pounds since we last met, as well!

Now admitting this shit regarding my anxiety – but specifically my panic attacks – is kind of embarrassing and emasculating, even still, and I’m not sure if it’ll ever get any easier. I fully understand it probably makes me come off as pathetic on a few levels, but whatever. It’s the truth. It’s part of the story. People in the office know it, and I’d feel dishonest and hypocritical if I left it out. For those going through the same shit, please know I’m right there with you…and fuck, if a nervous wreck like me could accomplish all of their dreams and goals just by trying to live their life by two words, at the very least…just think about ‘em every now and then. Cause I guarantee you that you could accomplish yours as well with ‘em.

I’ll stop gettin’ so preachy now, though, especially on a Friday. Apologies.

Have a good one.