I Think United Airlines Might Be Working For My Mother

So, last night in Chicago, we supposedly had a blizzard. Winter storm “Bruce”, they’ve called it.

Flights out of O’Hare International Airport were canceled from around 8pm on. My 8am flight back home to New York was canceled, as was the 9am and 11am that I switched onto “for no additional cost”. Finally, I’ve landed a seat on a 1pm flight and if this one is canceled too, United Airlines and I will be having some strong words.

The thing is, it makes no sense for flights this morning to have been canceled. Last night, sure, it was snowing. Actually, we had thunder snow last night (and if you don’t know what that is, it’s ungodly and terrifying and makes you feel like the end is nigh), so sure, it was safer to cancel flights. But I woke up at 5am to a text saying my flight was canceled and I looked outside and it was all silent night, holy night out there. There was no snow falling! Sure, there was snow on the ground, but not that much. We’ve had worse. This? Snow for ants. Snow for children!

So, it got me thinking. Who benefits from me missing flights to New York and staying in Chicago? Who started crying at 8pm last night because they didn’t want me to leave? That’s right, my mother. The only possible explanation for United canceling not one, not two, but three of my flights is that my mother somehow bribed them into doing so. And the reason a 1pm flight is allowable is because she’s now able to drive me to the airport and guilt me the entire ride about leaving. I’m sure this sounds insane, but if you don’t have a Jewish mother, you don’t understand the lengths they will go to to keep their children close to home.

Basically, I need everyone to put me in their thoughts and prayers and cross your fingers this flight actually takes off. Our gate hasn’t been assigned yet, which isn’t an excellent sign, but I’m optimistic. Never thought I’d be this excited to get back to NYC, but I guess it’s grown on me. Still, all I’m saying is that someone needs to look into this conspiracy theory. United Airlines, if you’re being influenced by some underground subcommittee of Jewish Mothers, now’s the time to come clean.