Monday Homestretch/AFTP

Large11/26/2018 7:08 PM

After the worst Thanksgiving week performance since 2011, stocks are staging a small rally today.

Last week, the Nasdaq tumbled 4.3%, the Dow ended 4.4% lower, and the S&P notched a week-on-week decline of 3.8%. Today we are seeing a rebound in oil, a relief rally in the Financials, Autos all higher on news of GM’s restructuring, and focus on Retailers as Cyber Monday kicks off… As a result, indexes are up over 1% across the board the last time I checked.

BARSTOOL FINANCE CALENDAR FOR WEEK ENDING 11/30
Tuesday — Cracker Barrel (CRBL) and Salesforce (CRM) earnings
Wednesday — J M Smucker (SJM), Box (BOX) and Tiffany (TIF) earnings; US GDP second estimate
Thursday — Dollar Tree (DLTR), Abercrombie & Fitch (ANF) and HP (HPQ) earnings; Fed notes released
Friday — G20 begins in Argentina… The two-day meeting was meant to focus on development, infrastructure, and food security. Most of the talk on the sidelines is expected to center on trade disputes between the U.S. and China and the signing of the new North American free trade deal.

QUESTION — What do you think of this young lady?

I am not sure how I feel about her personally, but I propose that her mix of feminine beauty plus that Red Sonja-esque strapping physique might just provide the scratch for Dwight Howard’s recent itch.

Speaking of Dwight… I don’t judge, but I do remind. And for those who forgot, more than a handful of big celebs have had their run-ins with members of the in-between sex (is that okay to say?).

Wiz Khalifa, Amber Rose, Gavin Rossdale, Justin Bieber, LL Cool J, Mase, and Matt Lauer have all been accused of dalliances with transformers (is that okay to say?), but 2 big names got the whole trend rolling in the mid-’90s.

The first didn’t involve a tranny (even though the girl he was with was more than a bit mannish), but I felt it was worth mentioning regardless… Hugh Grant was meant to be in Hollywood in 1995 to promote his latest film, Nine Months, when he decided, as a local paper said, “to take a walk on the wild side”, cruising down LA’s notorious Sunset Strip at night. It was here that he met Divine Brown (real name Estella Marie Thompson), a local sex worker who he paid $60 to perform oral sex on him in a nearby street.

I don’t know what jumps out at you right away, but for me, it is the fact that a sloppy beej in LA cost sixty bucks 23 years ago… I probably woulda haggled her down to $40.

Grant made a public apology, but it still eventually cost him his long-term relationship with Elizabeth Hurley… An English AFTP who can STILL sling the hose at the ripe old age of 53.

And here’s the second… In 1997 Eddie Murphy was caught picking up a transvestite prostitute named Shalimar. He claimed he was trying to help this gentleman out by giving him a ride, but Shalimar claimed Eddie asked him what type of lingerie he liked to wear and what type of sex he liked to have. A year after the incident, Shalimar was found dead outside of his apartment wearing nothing but lingerie (ironic), and 20 years after the incident, Eddie is dating a stunning young white broad named Paige Butcher…

My wife still looks at me funny after she noticed I was sporting a strictly coincidental erection while thumbing through an International Male catalog in 1999, but Eddie gets a fresh set of downs after asking to measure Shalimar’s inseam?… Life’s not fair.

AFTP — For those who aren’t sure who Heather Locklear is, Jerry Thornton wrote a blog about her back in February after was she arrested for domestic violence and battery against a police officer. As deputies arrived at her Thousand Oaks home responding to a 911 call, she allegedly kicked three of the arresting sheriff deputies and told them she would shoot at them if they ever came into her home again.

Being a beautiful TV star probably gets you out of a speeding ticket, Mrs. Alba…

But you can’t threaten to shoot cops, Heather…

In response to this mugshot, Jerry eloquently described her thusly:

Heather Locklear was the Roger Clemens of Hollywood bombshells. That superstar who burst onto the scene, became an instant sensation and kept the greatness up for the better part of two decades. From TJ Hooker where she became a household name to Dynasty where she became a household name among women and gay men, she dominated 1980s prime time. (A gay friend of mine told me at the time that the clubs he went to would often show continuous tape loop of all the girl fights on Dynasty.) To this day, I can’t think of anyone else who starred on two broadcast network hits at the same time. But she did.

Which is downright poetic, but fast forward from her heyday of the 80’s to today, and Locklear has also been in 2 failed rockstar marriages (Mötley Crüe drummer Tommy Lee and Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora), a couple of questionable suicide attempts, a DUI, and (most recently) two misdemeanor counts of battery.

That latest count stems from a June incident with a female EMT, Jennifer Hayn-Hiton, who claims that Heather put her out of work and wished death on her 3 kids by AIDS… Not a lot of gray area there. You cannot put a positive spin on an AIDS hex unless you preface it by saying you wish “Magic Johnson-like HIV” on someone and/or their children.

Locklear was hospitalized again the day before Thanksgiving, and placed on a mandatory 72-hour hold; however, doctors determined Locklear needed additional treatment. She has been placed on a 5250 which allows doctors to evaluate a patient for up to two weeks. It’s possible Locklear may be released earlier.

In the meantime, I am also going through a hard time as my search for a sexy pic of Locklear was a lot more difficult than I had imagined. The only thing that I came up with was this marginally legal black & white shot…