Barstool Van Talk: Shocking Details Of Bomb Maker's Vehicle Come To Light

Apology not accepted this time, Florida Man. It’s gonna take more than a tweet. We’re talkin’ a huge Edible Arrangement with extra chocolate berries or some shit.

Because yep, he’s at it again as usual but this time on a much larger & more serious scale than simply having sexual relations with a gator or hitting the pipe & then trying to eat someone’s face off.

As is Florida tradition there was still a pipe in the mix but this time it involved PVC, manilla envelopes, shrapnel & pyrotechnic powders meant to harm :: drumroll please ::

-George Soros
-Hillary Clinton
-Barack Obama
-John Brennan
-Eric Holder
-Maxine Waters
-Joe Biden
-Robert DeNiro
-Cory Booker
-Debbie Wasserman Schultz
-James Clapper

First of all, I think it’s pretty clear for all of us to see what this group has in common. Yes that’s right – *all suffer from severe tree nut allergies & have listed the movie Beaches in their top 5 greatest films. (*Possibly unconfirmed). Not sure quite what that means yet but I do know this Florida Man, Cesar Sayoc Jr., 56, of Aventura, FL, was one of those “bad guys with a van”.

The only type who can stop people like that?

“Good guys with a van.”

I sought out PFT to see what he thinks of all this recent van talk & he had some very concerning speculations saying,

“The guvernment is going to use this as a pre’text to confuscate all of our vans. If van’s are outlawed only outlaws will have vans.”

It really made me think… was there some sort of conspiracy going on? Normally I’m not one to go full Joe Rogan on these type of things but looking within our own company history I couldn’t help but dig deeper.

Now, I don’t speak any other languages but I know the words “ESPN” and “Republican” when I see them…

Going off that I think it’s pretty safe to say ESPN is deeply connected to the Republican Party. And Barstool Sports was once connected to ESPN through a van… and then?

They axed the van.

Shocking but it still didn’t make 100% sense. Trump trying to confiscate our nation’s vans through an elaborate ruse? But why? Who could really be the architect of this? I did a donut across the Wal Mart parking lot of my mind & circled back to the bomb maker’s van for clues and…

Sweet Mother of Pearl…