Bill Gates Is Thrusting Us Into A New Age Of Safe Sex With Self Lubing Condoms
We’ve all been there… You meet at a corporate happy hour & go back to his place & the abundant cornucopia of red flags are hard to ignore. His sister & her husband ask if you guys could “please keep it down because the kids are sleeping” as you make your way to his suite in their basement. Once there, his futon is unmade & there’s something unsettling about the Star Wars comforter. WTF are those stains? Probably from an old Cinnabun, right?
But you’ve been in a dry spell, this work conference has been a nightmare & you’re flying home with your coworkers the following day so you’ll never have to see him again. You’ve come this far ($27 Lyft ride, good Lord) & you’re committed to the bone. The only problem? You might still be continuing that dry spell because looking up at his old high school football jersey framed on the wall is making you more arid than Death Valley.
Luckily Bill & Melinda Gates have backed a project through their foundation that might help gals like me in these situations: extra slippery, self lubing condoms. Why the need?
From BBC News:
When used correctly, condoms are a highly effective contraceptive, but not everyone likes them. They are often already lubricated to make them easier to use, but sometimes this might not be enough for comfort. Without enough lubrication, sex can be painful and condoms may split or slip. People can add lubricant, but this can be messy and may need several applications, interrupting sex.
I mean, that stuff can just be a huge dang mess.
This new condom isn’t your average dong bag. It has a special, durable coating that should last throughout intercourse and when it comes into contact with bodily fluid it lubricates itself become more & more slippery. The Royal Society Open Science journal reports that smooth gliding with this condom could last for 1,000 thrusts.
But just how much is 1,000 thrusts? I had to find out.
Going off my calculations of someone plugging away at average lazy-bone speed it’s about 10min 40sec. All in all, not bad. After 11 minutes a woman usually becomes mentally exhausted on account of all the *intense explosions (*semi enjoyment/faking it). On the plus side, for any commenter with a name like BonerJamz420, you’ll definitely be fine. One thrust, everybody knows your rules.