The Tetris World Championships Is The Most Wild Entertainment You'll Ever Get Inside A Mall Food Court

TETRIS – A 16-year-old Tetris prodigy has defeated a seven-time world champion to become king of classic Tetris. Joseph Saelee, of Clovis, California, defeated Jonas Neubauer, of Highland Park, California 3-0 in the grand final of the Classic Tetris World Championship (CTWC) at Portland, Oregon.

Kudos to Kid Wonder Joseph Saelee for taking down the crown. Hand up, I didn’t even know Tetris existed outside of the GameBoy, and for that I am ashamed. But good on the 16-year-old for outlasting the 7-time World Champion after that, what, 17-piece drought? BAM! I started used to have a ceaser after Level 10 and this kid has made it to the unheard of Level 31. Tetris legends aren’t made, they’re earned. Good for him. Also, the Tetris World Championships taking place in what looks like the food court of a mall is the least surprising thing ever. You don’t need the glitz and glamor of a stadium to dominate the blocks. Just clear out the old people taking laps at the Granite Run Mall, set up an overhead projector, and BOOM! We’ve got ourselves a World Championship stage for the ages. My only recommendation is they need to make the scene as much as an electric city as possible, just like how they do it across the pond for basically anything. Look how they go ham for darts in England. NEED that kind of atmosphere for off-Broadway sporting/gaming events here in the states. IT’S HIGHWAY ROBBERY IN ALLEY TALLEY!

PS – Say what you will about the Russians, but those Tetris songs JAMMED. The default Type A is obviously a classic, but don’t discount Type B when you need a little giddy up or Type C when ya wanted to calm things down. Tchaikovsky fucks.