MMBM: Fire Hue Jackson And Make Bob Wylie Head Coach Of The Cleveland Browns
Things have gone sideways in Cleveland which is a marked improvement over them going backwards for the past 15 years. And now Hue Jackson, Todd Haley, and Gregg Williams are locked in a battle royal playing ookie-cookie with Baker Mayfeilds career to see who will come out on top. It should honestley be run as Survivor: Cleveland and have a torch ceremony after every loss to see who gets voted off the island or sacrificed to the rally possum.
Hue accomplish something yesterday so impressive that I dont know how you can not offer him a extension on the spot: he engineered a 104 yd drive that resulted in 0 points. That is a feat that will go down unmatched in NFL history. Thats like going attending ASU for 5 years and not getting HPV. Cleveland fans will be tattooing the play-by-play of this drive onto there arms like Eagles fans are doing with the Philly special.
And while folks are debating wether the next head coach or playcaller should be- wether its Todd Haley, Swagger and Moose the dogs peeing on varous fire hydrants that read Toss Right, or “run a 7 yd dig on 3rd and 10″, and the homeless guy that told Jimmy Haslam to draft Johnny Manziel- Bob Wylie is the answer to all your questions as playcaller.”Interim Head Coach Bob Wylie” is a phrase that sounds so good I could of sworn I’ve been hearing it my entire life. Like a great song that comes on and its so prefectly written you think its been inside your body all along.
In life theres alot of people who might look incompetent but are actualy good (Bill Belchick), many people who look competent but are actualy bad (congresss) but you cant be both incompetent looking and incompetent behaving. This is the Rob Ryan doublethreat and Hue Jackson has it in spades. Bob Wylie might not look like a polished product but then again if somethings polished that just means its had all its grit removed. But he would give the team a identity and that identy would be “Gut Check Time.” Bob would go out there with a bunch of plays drawn up called like “whats up with kids and their rap music and video games” and the X’s and O’s diagram would just be all 11 of his guys getting into a fight with the whole opposing team and they would probably win more games then Hue simply because he looks like a combination of Mike Holmgren and David Crosby- Holmgren had experence with the old Browns, and Crosby with the experence of dealing with a roster that was also looking to get Younger.
Hue is starting to adapt to the modern day NFL where you try to score more points then the other team, and in no situation is this more obvious then the recent change in his philosophy on 4th down. It was only a matter of time before ballsy playcalls and going for it on fourth downs trickled down to the Hue Jacksons of the world and of course he had no idea how to misuse them. Its my little green egg theory of coaching. The little green egg is a outdoor grill that some of your married friends post about on instagram, and it started out as something for expert BBQers then slowly but surely found its way into the hands of amateurs and JV football coaches who dont realy understand how to use them. Smart Head Coaches get out in front of trends and start to do cool stuff like go for it more often on 4th down and two point conversons, then alot of average guys start to play copycat and get one or two better results even if they misuse the statistcal models, then eventualy it makes its way down to Hue Jackson who sees Mike Vrabel get praised for going for two and wants to be liked so much he tries to even do it after a game-winning field goal. Same thing with home chefs trying to be the next BBQ pitmaster and by the time the masses get there hands on this smoker theyre using it inside their garage and killing there whole famly with carbon monoxide poisoning trying to make a beer-can chicken.
The bottom line is hes got to go- and allthough Hue would probably love to stick around to continue to find fastest ways for his team to get exactly into overtime like a football version of the 24 challenge, we all know that Bob Wylie has the repsect of America. I mean at the very least hed have the repsect of the local media- the man is literaly a pilot and a card magician so his lifes work directley translates to Cleveland Plane Dealer.
Road Grader Of The Week: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
The former Presdent of Iran has been very active on twitter recently dicsussing American sports including MJ verse Lebron, Colin Kapernick, and now more recently University of Michigan football.
Ahmadinejad publicaly accessing drone footage is a bad first step but if he saw the pregame show he was likeley exposed to Bush staging a preemptive attack which brought back more then a few worries hes had in his day. But his Wolverines prevaled and the more I started to think about it the more sense he made to even perhaps become next Commissoner of the NFL. Hes use to being a figurehead punching bag designed to deflect attenton away from a bunch of rich people who are realy calling the shots, just like Goodell has done in partnership with the NCAA Ahmeadinejad also has a great deal of experience in making sure students dont overrun his orgnization, and he’s used to having Donald Trump threaten to go to war with him whenever Donald wants to get his name back in the news. Realy a job of destiny. And I dont want to hear that he’s short. People made fun of Ahmadinejad his whole life for being 5 foot 2 but that just means hes closer to underground nuclear facilties.
He even gives Roger Goodell a run for his money in terms of appealing to women sports fans
Before Ahmadinejad, Football games were just one big man cave or as his old enemy would call it a spider hole, but Mahmoud revoluntonaized the “football is family” movement and needs to be recognized by Commissoner Roger Goodell. Perhaps even bring him in to negotate the next CBA because you can ether say I walked away from the conflict, or Iran towards it. Be a leader.
Ten Things I Know I Know
1. Two diffrent examples of someone regretting a chummy photo op with a leader after they got there ass kicked by Texans
2. Rae Carrtuth is now out of jail as first reported by me a week ago before he got released from prison. He is making the case to gain full custody of his son Chancellor in a major case of keep your enemys closer. Rae should know you come at the Chancellor you best not miss ether from watching tape, or from seeing the movie Valkyrie.
Fortunateley all the long holders of Rae in there fantasy dynasty leagues felt vindicated and showed up to offer there support to murderer/attempted child murderer:
3. Deshaun Watson played with a partialy collapsed lung which prevented him from flying from Houston to Jacksonville with his teamates, so I think its fair to start asking if his lung has the clutch gene. Ronald Regan gutted out his Presdency with a similar injury, and there was another Promnent Texan who loved to position himself in shotgun even if he took a shot (or three) and ended up with a punctured lung.
4. I would normaly say Peter Gammons needs to stick to sports but hes a baseball writer so that dosen’t really apply
I call him Peter Salmons because hes swimming against the current state of affairs at post-poltics ESPN. But he might be onto something here- if this was actualy Trumps wall it would go along way toward explaning why Curt Shilling did everything he could to not let people get over it, and it would absoluteley have a advertisement for a casino and oil companys on it.
5. Justin Tucker missed the extra point on purpose to let his old buddy from Westlake High School Drew Brees finaly defeat the only NFL team hes never beaten- the Ravens. Im sure if you peel back the onion far enough you’ll see Brees probably would go back to Austin and buy beer for Tucker and Foles and the gang Matthew McConoughey style which is ironic because every other QB in the NFL is getting older but Brees seems like hes staying the same age.
So now that Brees has defeated every team in the NFL (something Bradys technicaly done as well if you count the time he beat himself by not catching his Philly specal in the Superbowl) what does Drew have to live for anymore? This is easly the biggest accomplishment any Perdue Graduate has ever had besides Neil Armstrong being able to keep a straight face while pretending to be on the moon.
6. Does Kirk Cousins having a heated garage make him soft?
First of all its a classic deflecton from his Michigan State Spartans getting there butts kicked on Saturday to say “at the end of the day I get to park my heterosexual conversion van outside of the cold.” But a Good QB should embrace the challenges that come with having to start up drives in the elements.
Scraping ice off a windshield builds character. You think Mike Zimmer has a heated garage? Hell no he probly has a barn with a horse in it that he rides 3 miles to his pickup truck where the drivers window is stuck halfway open from all the chaw spit hes accdentally gotten in the seal.
7. If you think Andy Reid intentonally blew that over last night by going for it on fourth down with a infinity point lead instead of kicking a field goal you dont know how Andy Reid works. Even if someone trie to talk to Reid about gambling, by the time the word “spread” got mentioned Reid would be knuckles deep in a container of Country Crock. Andy naturaly empathizes with Marvin Lewis as kindred spirits of 1st round playoff loses and didnt want to put unessecary points on the board against him. The only thing with 3 points Andy likes to go after is a fondue fork.
8. The lottery is up to 1.6 billion dollars this week and Id kind of like to see Jeff Bezos win it to see what he would do if he had 1.6 billion to spare. In order of people who would piss the most folks off to hear they won the Mega Millions I have
1. Donald Trump
2. Elon Musk
3. Matt Flynn
4. Jon Gruden
5. a office pool of economists who have been telling us for years not to play the lottery because its a tax on the stupid but it turns out it was just a big long con to steer the odds in there favor
As I said on todays PMT if I win the lottery I will be purchasing the Washington R-words and removing there name and logo from all artlces of appareal. You have to earn your slur in my locker room.
9. Jay Gruden is a snitch. He told the refrees to watch out for illegal snapping motions from the Cowboys and it paid off as there last field goal attempt got moved back five yards and it ended up hitting the upright, being ever so slightly left, kind of like another Washington Post you might be familar with.
10. Theres a greatest show on turfwar going on out in Los Angeles and its such a classic story to tell. Rams and Chargers were in a long distants relationship for a couple years and they liked each other alot so they decided to move in. But ever since SD moved up to the same city theres trouble in pardise and now they’re fighting over the bills they havent even started sharing yet and also Stan’s like leaving his wig just laying around the house all the time and philip rivers keeps thinking its a merkin and trying to fuck it. You could chalk this up to growing pains together but once the finances get involve it gets tricky. The Chargers are essenally going to sublet from the Rams and pay them all there personal seat licenses as rent, but the Chargers PSLs are about 10% of what they normaly cost for other teams. Thoughts and prayers to Stan Kroenke whose getting taken advantage of by Dean Spanos to the tune of $250 million in potental lost revenue that could of been used to provide another layer of padding in Stans mattress, but this is what happens when your a success in LA you’ve got all these people asking to come crash on your sofa while they try to make it and you get taken advantage of.