Stephen Hawking's Dying Message: There Is No God

(CNN) – There is no God — that’s the conclusion of the celebrated physicist Stephen Hawking, whose final book is published Tuesday. The book, which was completed by his family after his death, presents answers to the questions that Hawking said he received most during his time on Earth. Other bombshells the British scientist left his readers with include the belief that alien life is out there, artificial intelligence could outsmart humans and time travel can’t be ruled out. Hawking, considered one of the most brilliant scientists of his generation, died in March at the age of 76. “There is no God. No one directs the universe,” he writes in “Brief Answers to the Big Questions.”

I didn’t pay all that much attention to Stephen Hawking while he was alive. There are probably a lot of reasons for that, you’d be right if you said because it’s because I wouldn’t comprehend what he was saying even if I had tried, but it’s mostly because I just felt like he was lying all the time and knew us normies couldn’t prove him wrong. We’re all gonna get swallowed by a black hole one day? Ok, I guess. Elaborating on gravitation? Seems like a waste of time, I know I’m not floating away so I know enough about gravity. Thermodynamics? I don’t even know what that is but I guarantee it’s not as interesting or fun as season 3 of The Office for the 50th time.

And you know what? I’m still not super interested in what Hawking has to say. Everyone’s loving this quote on the internet today but of course this is what Hawking said, he said it his whole damn life. A scientist saying “God doesn’t exist” isn’t exactly revelatory news.

What should Hawking have said instead? I’m glad you asked. If STEE-phennnnn really wanted to shake the tree he would’ve said that God does, in fact, exist. Really want to fuck shit up on the way out the door? Tell the kids that Jesus is real and he’s a white man from the Middle East with abs like Brad Pitt and flow like Jared Leto. Say the Catholics are the ones who got it right and the reason you knew so much about space was because you personally talked to God every day on earth. Tell the world that right before you passed God gave you his final message and told you that he will now be communicating with Amanda Bynes and we should heed her every word. THAT is a dying message from a genius that would get the people going, and I wish Stephen Hawking had the stones to do it. What an all-time prank that would’ve been.