Despite What Trump May Want You To Believe, Coal Is Bad For You

Not so fast, Mr. President. As I see it, the war on coal is just beginning! You see, recent studies have shown that contrary to popular belief, coal of the char variety is not a great detoxifying substance. Unless the toxin is heroin. In which case, yep, go for it. Do whatever you can to soak that shit up. And learn your limits, you goose! Everyone knows to alternate smacks with sips of water.

On the left, you’ve got these whining liberal “victims” crying about how Trump is shoving coal down their throats. Meanwhile, they are shoving coal down their throats. On the right, you’ve got Trump and the coal miners claiming that coal is clean and good for everyone. Sadly, it appears that coal is only good for people who overdose frequently (this is a very small group, as most overdosers are one-offs) and people who are poisoned frequently (also, mostly one-offs). And despite the fallacies of both arguments, you can be sure that democrats and republicans will both be asking for coal in their stockings this Christmas!

Let’s debunk some of these popular myths about coal…

Myth: charcoal is a great way to detox after a long night of peeing straight vodka on the faces of Russian hookers.

Reality: yeah, if those hookers poisoned your eggs benny. But if you just had too many cups of Stoli-O, stick to simpler solutions. Like a eucalyptus steam and a gatorade.

Myth: charcoal makes your teeth whiter.

Reality: getting tan makes your teeth whiter.

Myth: charcoal grills make your steaks taste better than gas grills.

Reality: Yes, correct.

There. Played it right down the middle. Let’s consider this case closed. Coal?