NOW THAT I'M BLOGGING FOR BARSTOOL (SPORTS) ... I SHOULD TALK ABOUT SPORTS

I realize with my last few blogs and my track record of talking about sports; some might be thinking I’m an androgynous binary book nerd who has a smooth patch of skin where it’s genitialia should be like a Ken Doll G.I. Joe.

I have a weird sports fandom. I went to a small christian school my freshman year to run Cross Country (big mistake.) I then transferred to IUPUI in Indianapolis to walk onto their cross country team. Division 1, no big deal. Not only does IUPUI stand for Indiana University Purdue University Indianapolis, but it also stands for I made some bad decisions in high school. IUPUI does not have a football team and their only real basketball success can be placed on the incredibly sculpted shoulders of NBA finalist George Hill. Shout out Mantis. Go IUPUI Cross Country.

In Indiana basketball is everything.

I grew up a die hard Indiana Hoosier Basketball fan. I remember all of it. Aj Moye blocking Carlos Boozer to put #5 seed IU over #1 seed Duke in March. DJ White’s tall tee’s under his jersey. Watching a random November night game with my Dad; looking for my brother in attendance where the most unlikely star, Marco Killingsworth, put up 34 points and the crowd gasped every time the 6’7 300 pound pile of human would chuck up a 3. Braving the 90 degree angle stair cliffs of Assembly Hall to boo Sean May when he came back home to Bloomington. Good times.

I have no problem with Purdue. I felt horrible for Purdue when they lost Hummel and Haas during the tourney and any hope of sniffing the NCAA title. Drew Brees is a national treasure. I was one of 3 people under the age of 12 to own a Mike Alstott Bucs jersey because I respected his Grit. I spent a lot of time at Purdue and have done a lot comedy shows around the city that have meant a lot to me and my relatively short comedy career.

I do hate Purdue for this reason … YOU are one of the best engineering schools in the country. The bleacher seats in YOUR basketball arena can’t fit crowds for the amount of tickets you sell. I do not mind the sudden nose bleeds in Assembly Hall or the quick jolts of terror as I feel like I’m falling to down the isle to my death, because I do not expect them to design a state of the art arena. But, YOU guys? YOU guys brag about landing on THE MOON.

Butler basketball is like a sacred basketball religion, or like a cult that only passes the Kool-Aid out to people who have watched their recruiting tape – Hoosiers (1986). My Grandpa was a barber in the Basement of Butler University when he got out of the Navy and both my grandparents are extras sitting in Butler’s sacred basketball sanctuary; Hinkle Fieldhouse during the taping of the movie film Hoosiers. (My grandpa get’s paid 20 cents every time someone buys a hard copy of the movie film Hoosiers so I’m really hoping this drums up some business. Business it not going well.)  

The Indiana Pacers haven’t done much with their relatively short time in the NBA, but I’m a fan. Reggie Miller is a god in Indy after killing Spike Lee and not leaving Indy. I watched the Malice in the Palace LIVE with my best friend and then 100 times on Sports Center thinking I was watching a Chapelle Show When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong sketch. I remember the Eastern Conference finals against the Super Team Heat where someone on the Pacers fucked someones chick on the team (allegedly) and the entire thing started to unravel, and I’m still a fan now with young super star Vic Oladipo leading a refreshing TEAM to the NBA playoffs.

As for football … Peyton Manning practically invented football in Indiana. Football has never been THAT big until recently. The Colts arrived in 1984 and it wasn’t until after Peyton came to town in 1998 that football started to really catch on in the early 2000’s. Peyton built the stadium that ownership uses to hold the city hostage. I’m not a huge Peyton fan, but I have no idea what the city would like like if he did not show up.

My dad was born in Indianapolis in 1952 and never claimed a professional football team. Big baseball guy and basketball guy. The Indianapolis Colts were still in their infancy when when I was happily swimming around in my dad’s scrotum until 1990. I played Madden 97 with my 2nd grade best friend and every time he got to be the Indianapolis Colts (cucked, cucked hard), so my team was always the team from New England with RB Curtis Martin and QB Drew Bledsoe.

That’s why to this day I still watch the Patriots. Call me a band wagoner or a straight up piece of trash. I will never openly cheer for them like it’s my birth right, it’s something I do in the private of my own home like basic hygiene or a BDSM fetish. Strangely enough, reading Jerry Thornton’s Patriot’s blogs back in 2009/2010 is how I stumbled upon BarstoolSports.com, was introduced to the cast of characters, and I’ve been a stoolie ever since. Being a 5’8” white guy I also feel the need to study Patriot’s route trees every Sunday incase the WR depth gets poor again and Trader Bill needs to use his jedi mind tricks to steal away another 27-28 year old guy who drinks and “occasionally” smokes a jazz cigarette.  

SIDENOTE: I have met Little Bob Kravitz. He goes to the same breakfast place in my hometown as me. I think he’s an incredibly talented writer but at the same time I do not appreciate how he “reported” Deflategate, and I have no clue how his thumbs reach over the spacebar on his keyboard.

In no way shape or form am I an Indy Car fan, but I will always respect drinking all day in the hot sun in the infield of the Indianapolis Motor speedway while getting that primal tingling deep down in your plums when all 33 Indy Cars get going around the track for THE Greatest Spectacle in Racing.

With all that said, I probably won’t blog about sports too much. At least the X’s and O’s. Indiana means a lot to me, but I understand Indiana doesn’t mean dick to a lot of other people. But, if a head coach starts kissing his kid on the lips before games, I might have to blog about it.

Hey, BUDDY! It’s called Barstool SPORTS, NOT Barstool TRY AND PUT OUT HONEST AND ENTERTAINING CONENT THAT’S COMEDY BASED AND WILL SOMETIMES APPEAL TO NICHE GROUPS. SHEESH.