Millennials Killed American Cheese - Italy Keith and American Keith Respond.
BLOOMBERG – American cheese will never die. It has too many preservatives.
But it’s melting away.
One by one, America’s food outlets are abandoning the century-old American staple. In many cases, they’re replacing it with fancier cheeses.
Wendy’s is offering asiago. A&W’s Canada locations switched to real cheddar. McDonald’s is selling the Big Mac’s soft, orange square of American cheese with a version that doesn’t contain artificial preservatives. Cracker Barrel ditched its old-fashioned grilled cheese. So did Panera Bread, replacing American with a four-cheese combo of fontina, cheddar, monteau and smoked gouda. The result: higher sales.
American cheese is “an ingredient we’re looking to less and less in our pantry,” said Sara Burnett, the chain’s director of wellness and food policy.
American Keith. Born: White Plains, NY. Time spent in America: 31 years, 5 months.
Listen you can’t argue with the facts. US processed cheese sales are down this year for the 4th year in a row. 500 pound barrels of cheddar are selling at a record discount. Demand for barrel cheese overall has been dwindling for years. Prices have dipped below $4 per pound at your local grocery store for the first time since 2011. It’s very clear that millennials are killing American cheese. The question is – are we going to allow this disturbing trend to continue? Or are going to stand up as proud Americans and realize there’s more at stake here than just cheese? It’s about the entire American cultural identity. Just look at what’s happening at Gayle V’s Best Ever Grilled Cheese in Chicago:
“I could buy preservative-filled cheese and butter,” Voss said. “But I’m all-out on supporting small businesses and offering a good, quality product, and the minute people bite into it, they know — because it’s so good.” Pause here to imagine taking a bite of crunchy bread and melted cheese that forms a string as mouth and sandwich separate.
Voss said her husband will use Kraft Singles to whip up a quick sandwich for himself at home, something that cheeses her off. But it’s what he grew up with, she said.
Uhh yeah, he grew up with it. Because he’s an American. He’s not a little French fancy boy from Paris twirling his mustache with Brie in between the hairs. He’s not some Italian goomba shoving Burrata into his face in between entire pizza pies. He knows that good old factory cheese is what the Greatest Generation thrived on so he will pay his respect to them and thrive on it as well. He knows processed cheese was invented in 1916 to be sold in tins to the US military during WW1. He respects the troops. Do you?
He knows he’s not going to waste his hard earned money that he made with his bare hands on $20 per pound artisanal bullshit at Whole Foods because it makes him feel more cultured. He respects “the uniformity of the product, the neatness of the slices, the long shelf life, the ability to stay moist even in the desert”…the American utility. He knows he wants his beef to speak for itself, not get covered up by over powerful secondary ingredients. He doesn’t even know what the fuck a charcuterie board is. No room for it in the cupboard next to the meat grinders and oil cans. He knows no matter how fancy and expensive your cheese may get, it will never match what American cheese gives you. Its meltability. Its goo factor. Its texture. I mean it’s not even real cheese. It’s cheese with texture blended with sodium citrate, calcium phosphate, natamycin, and modified food starch. What the hell is more American than that? Tell me. Tell me!
Would love to see a little Frenchman do this.
It’s time for Millennials to finally accept responsibility for something and reverse course. To have a little pride in their country. In their history. In the sacrifices of their ancestors. You don’t have to be a fucking hipster about everything. Sometimes you can unwrap the plastic off a piece of rubbery shitty cheese and fucking enjoy it.
Italy Keith. Time spent in Italy: 8 days.
Mio Dio! Questi americani spazzatura e il loro gusto spazzatura nel cibo. La più grande sorpresa dei Millennials che uccidono American Cheese è che American Cheese era ancora viva in primo luogo. Anche se penso che abbia senso, considerando quanto siano basse le loro tavolozze. Portiamo i nostri amori nelle migliori enoteche del mondo per gustare bottiglie di squisito rosso e piatti di deliziosi formaggi stagionati: Pecorino, Burrata, Gorgonzola, Ricotta, Gran Padano, Taleggio, Caprino, Robiola. La lista potrebbe continuare all’infinito. Gli americani vanno dagli Applebees e ordinano tavole di salumi di Kraft Singles in pellicola per accompagnare i loro Bahama Mamas. A nome di tutti gli italiani, salutiamo i millennial per aver cercato di insegnare a questi ciarlatani che gusto hanno.
(Story & stats via Bloomberg)