A Few Words For The Freaks In The Office Who Own Birds

I’ve heard that some of the guys in this office, for God only knows what reason, own birds. As pets! I’m not trying to be an asshole, but that is fucking weird. There is almost nothing about birds that I can get behind. First of all, they’re dirty. Birds smell weird. Most animals have some kind of animal smell but I feel like the risk/reward of bird smell vs how much fun it is to own one is not worth it.

Also, they poop weirdly. There’s a way higher chance they’ll poop on you than a normal animal would, and frankly that freaks me out. Unless your bird lives solely in its cage, which I think is sort of depressing, there are BIG odds that your pet is going to poo somewhere in your home or on your person.

I don’t even know how to classify birds. Are they mammals? They lay eggs, but I think they’re warm blooded? Are they reptiles? They’re like, kind of dinosaurs, right? What the fuck are they? I could google this, but I don’t want to. I want to be upset about this for no reason.

Plus, I’m not sure if you’ve ever seen Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds”, but there is no way that’s not a plausible situation that could happen. Every time I see a swarm of birds, my life flashes before my eyes. I don’t even like when I see a pigeon on the street and its beady little monster eyes are looking at me. I will cross the street if I see too many pigeons congregating in a single area, because they are absolutely plotting something and I want no part of it.

Listen, I have a lot of respect for the people I work with, and I don’t want to start beef. But that said, I’m not sure I can be friendly or honestly anything other than a workplace proximity associate with anyone who owns a god damn toucan or whatever the fuck as a pet. What is the possible value of that? Feel like you can’t pet them and they don’t snuggle with you, which in my opinion is the whole point of having a pet. Pets are supposed to be your buddies! Why do you think lonely people are like hmm you know what would make my life less empty? A cat. You know what they don’t say? I’m feeling pretty lonely, I think i’m going to get a fucking bird. Unless it’s the type of bird that can talk to you, in which case, maybe I get it.