40) EMERGENCY ALERT: My High School Varsity Letterman's Jacket Has Gone MISSING From The Office - Let's Take A Look At The Suspects
EMERGENCY ALERT! What is an emergency alert, you ask? It’s somehow slightly less urgent than an Amber Alert but way ahead of those Flash Flood Warnings that I’d much rather die in raging waters than be SHOOK in the middle of the night by one of those damn alarms louder than Krakatoa. Fuck off, Apple. But we’re at officially at DEFCON-1, folks. Not since the days of Al Bundy scoring 4 touchdowns in one game at Polk High has a varsity jacket meant more to the people. That almighty leather tunic isn’t given, it’s earned. And I earned it through 3-years of blood, sweat, and touchdowns. I NEED it more than I need to breathe. Not only as a means to keep warm during the winter months, but to have an easy segue in the conversation to showing people my HS football highlight tape at will. Heroes get remembered, but legends never die…unless they get their varsity letterman’s jacket stolen.
And to those of you questioning why would I keep my varsity letterman’s jacket by my desk in a public office? My answer is simple, why wouldn’t I keep my varsity letterman’s jacket by my desk in a public office? Simple as that. Here are the suspects from the Barstool HQ that are currently under investigation:
Carrabis
The self proclaimed Saugus Rocket may have wanted a taste of actual glory days or himself. Sure, he allegedly had a “No Hitter” that’s more folklore than anything at this point. But maybe he’s so full of jealousy and rage that he wanted something that actually represented success from back in the day, and not just unproven Tall Tales that get over-exaggerated from generation to generation. Then again after a baseball season full of non-gym activities, he’d be swimming in the jacket worse than a toddler wearing his Daddy’s t-shirt.
Odds it’s Carrabis: 40 – 1
Donnie Does
(Somehow a legit High School Photo of Donnie Does)
On the surface, there’s no real reason Donnie would take the jacket. Donnie and I are friends and, on top of that, he already has enough past glory from being a Chinese Super Bowl Winner. There’s no really topping that. However, Donnie did once wear the jacket for an entire day during a Pup Punk music video shoot. And once you get the feel of glory, it’s tough to let it go…
Odd’s Donnie swiped the jacket around the world: 30 – 1
Brett
Brett, like some in the office, has a tough time letting go of his glory hole years. Did you know Brett played QB in his hometown of Satatoga where he now serves as the mayor? Don’t worry, he’ll tell ya. In Bretto’s mind there can only be one champion of the glory days in this office, and my varsity letterman’s jacket along with the greatness it represents was eating at his soul long enough.
Odds it’s Brett: 20 to 1
Sales Guy
(High School photo not found as public Internet records only go back to 1972)
Pauly Snakes. Is there any reason whatsoever Gaz would take my varsity high school letterman’s jacket? Yes. And that reason is messing around with people for his own enjoyment. The only thing the king of shitstirring cares more than muckraking is keeping a hat on his head. You can’t keep Gaz off this list. And I won’t.
Odds its Sales Guy: 10 to 1
Hypocrite Nate
There’s usually a method to Nate’s madness, and that method is selfishness. How does stealing MY varsity jacket benefit HIM? The only explanation is that he thinks it would ruin me so he can reclaim all of his fake, useless pageviews, which is a fair explanation. I care more about my glory days than I do about my actual days. Add on that there’s clear spite and hate factors involved, and we’ve got ourselves a good case. I would say Hypocrite Nate could be the #1 suspect in this crime, but then again, I’m pretty sure dead bodies aren’t capable of stealing jackets:
2nd most fulfilling blogs I’ve ever written
Link to the most fulfilling blog I’ve ever written (MUST CLICK)
Odds it’s Hypocrite Nate: 5 to 1
Smitty
Am I above misplacing my jacket somewhere in the office or forgetting I took it home? No. No I am not. Simple as that.
Odds that Smitty is a Goddamn Idiot: 1 to 1
Clickbait Smits
Did Clickbait Smits hire someone to “misplace” my jacket as a calculated plan to get me to blog a passionate, original blog for clicks? Come to think of it…probably. Goddamnit, Clickbait Smits. That guy is playing motherfucking 4d chess while everyone is playing checkers. CBS knows what’s not only best for me, but for the company, even if it’s at the expense of me. What next level effort. All hail CBS!
The Odds it’s CBS: 1 to 100,000
For real though, there is a substantial reward for returning the glory. REWARD IF THE JACKET IS FOUND: Lunch and a regaling of all the glory days stories you can eat. So please, bring my baby home. And was this entire blog solely done as a perfect excuse to watch my high school football highlights. You’re doggone skippy. Brian Dawkins told me to do it. CUE THE TAPE!
PS – Somebody send the fictional Al Bundy over to Deadspin and have them burn him in effigy, that is if their heads don’t explode from self-righteousness first.